The Remittance Man

OH WELL IT'S BED TIME

2010-05-13T20:58:00.006+02:00

Here are a few ladies in boots to keep you all out of mischief until I return.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

REASONS TO TELL THE MAINLANDERS TO FUCK OFF NO ??

2010-05-13T20:53:00.001+02:00

After yesterday’s sabre rattling from the Crapauds check this from the eu President (well, one of the three or four that exist, anyway).

Commission president Jose Barroso unveiled plans for EU control over national budgets, including an incendiary demand that Brussels should vet budgets before their first reading in Westminster, the Bundestag, and other parliaments. Current account deficits and credit growth will be monitored. Brussels can imposing sanctions on states that let booms run out of control. "We must get to the root of the problems," he said.

Such a plan would greatly improve the working of the EMU system, but it would also entail a drastic erosion of sovereignty.

A drastic erosion of sovereignty? I’ll chuffing say it is!

The principal job of parliament is to monitor and control the activities of the executive, primarily by controlling the purse strings. Give that up and you might as well, surrender the entire bloody country to the euros.

Just because a bunch of sombrero wearing peasants and Zorba lookalikes managed to stuff things up for those countries silly enough to join the euro doesn’t give Jose the right to usurp the Mother of Parliaments.

It’s time to tell the mainlanders to fuck right off.

MY FIRST AND HOPEFULLY LAST FIFA 2010 WORLD CUP POST

2010-05-13T20:44:00.012+02:00

As you might imagine, South Africa is in a state of World Cup frenzy at the moment and things have just gotten worse. Today I, along with every other employee at Kleinkudoeskop Unobtainium Mines Ltd., received a “gift” from the High Priest of the Temple of Doom – a knock off replica Bafana Bafana t-shirt, which I am supposed to wear tomorrow and every subsequent Friday to show my enthusiasm and support for the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

The problem is, I’m English, I loathe soccer and quite frankly wish the whole thing was being held on Tristan da Cunha. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish the tornement ill, I’m not praying for the new stadia to all collapse or the fans to be mown down in their thousands by demented minibus taxi drivers. Indeed I hope everyone who is looking forward to the event enjoys every minute; I just want them to leave me out of it while they do.

Antonia Senior got it right when she wrote: It is a game corrupted by obscene money, played by vile young men who spend their down-time roasting sad wannabe WAGs.

I’ve got nothing against roasting sad, wannabe WAGs* per se, but the rest is pretty apt. Besides I really do resent being told to support something in which I have absolutely no interest or inclination; it brings out the inherent rebel in me.

All in all I just wish these shirts, which I ordered from here would arrive soon so I can start wearing them on Fridays instead. It might lead to my already overflowing disciplinary file receiving a couple more charge sheets once again detailing my woeful lack of team spirit, but I think it would be worth it to make my point**.

*Indeed, if the powers that be cancelled everything else and simply ran a month of competitive pron involving sad, wannabe WAGs getting gangbanged I might become a little more enthusiastic. At least the trophy could then be awarded on criteria I might understand***
**It might also upset a couple of my Muslim colleagues, but you can’t make omelettes without breaking eggs.
***”After eighty five minutes it seemed Argentina’s hat trick of spit roastings would be enough to keep them ahead of Germany, who had only managed a pair of double penetrations. But then, after some expert fluffing from the midfield, the Teutonic forwards were able to score a spectacular airlocking, completed by a perfectly synchronised three-way pop shot, to steal the match and the trophy from under the South Americans’ noses.”

HOW CAN PEOPLE BE SO NAÏVE?

2010-05-13T20:43:00.000+02:00

Over at The Times it is reported that all the €500 notes currently circulating in Britain are to be withdrawn. The reason is that they are too popular amongst the criminal fraternity who like large denomination notes because they makes paying for things so much easier.

Now, leaving aside any questions as to whether this will be effective or not, the interesting thing I found about this article is the reader comments. Several express wonderment that the politicians could allow the creation of something so obviously helpful to the continent’s Mr Bigs. Oh the naivety of the British public even after thirteen years of NuLabour government! It’s not just ordinary decent criminals who like to pay for things in cash, chaps.

Jacques Chirac and Helmut Kohl are but two senior European politicians who have been accused of operating slush funds on the qt. You can’t imagine they took cheques can you? And they certainly wouldn’t have wanted brown paper bags full of fives and tens when bigger notes were available.

As I commented beneath the article, once one starts looking at the actions of politicians as if they were Mafiosi, the reason for all sorts of previously incomprehensible actions suddenly become so much clearer.

DEFINE “HAZARDOUS”

2010-05-13T20:35:00.002+02:00

Alcohol abuse is a bigger problem than post-traumatic stress disorder for British servicemen and women deployed in war zones, a study has concluded.
British Forces sent to Afghanistan and Iraq are 22 per cent more likely to drink “hazardous” levels of alcohol than troops who were not deployed, researchers from King’s College London said.

Now I won’t doubt that troops deployed to Afghanistan experience higher levels of stress than troops who remain at home and that this does lead to increased psychological problems including PTSD, heavy drinking and many other things. But this report leaves too much unsaid for us to accept it unquestioningly.

Firstly there’s this term “hazardous”. With a medical establishment that can happily brand people as alcoholics if they drink a couple of glasses of wine with their supper, undefined but alarming expressions being thrown around like that should cast doubt from the word “go”.

Secondly there is no mention of timescale. Do the returning troops drink “hazardous” quantities of alcohol for a week or two (a natural enough thing to do after six months of enforced teetotalism under very stressful conditions) or is the phenomenon observable over extended periods? Related to this is the issue of circumstance. Are these heavy drinking squaddies getting pissed in the NAAFI canteen or down the pub with their mates? Or are they sitting alone in their barrack rooms, fondling their rifles and muttering to themselves while taking huge swigs from bottles of cheap sherry? The former would be less worrying than the latter, methinks.

Finally, we don’t know if the researchers compare like for like? They speak of troops deployed to warzones and compare their behaviour to troops not so deployed, but from what units? Frontline units often work hard at maintaining a hard-drinking, roughtie-toughtie image. Even in peacetime I would imagine the drinking habits of 1 Welsh Guards, 3 Mercians or the Commando Logistics Regiment differ markedly from those of, say, the pay section at Aldershot Garrison or the staff in the Officers’ Mess kitchen at Wellington Barracks.

One interesting thing I do note, however:

The study claims PTSD rates among British service personnel have remained constant since 2003 unlike those of the US military. This is attributed to the shorter tours British troops undertake. Now this may be so. I also think the increased care and monitoring the new government is proposing is a good thing. But before the army hires battalions of trick cyclists might it not be worth investigating if there is not another contributory factor to this? Perhaps getting seriously sloshed acts as a sort of PTSD profilactic, especially if it’s done in the company of mates who have the same shared experiences*.

This may also explain the difference in PTSD rates between Britain and the US. For better or worse the social acceptability of team heavy drinking is higher in the UK. In turn this could mean US servicemen are less likely to go out on the razz with their buddies than their British counterparts. If this is the case then it’s not too big a leap to contemplate whether the reduced incidence of synchronised alcohol abuse causes US troops to become more prone to developing full-blown PTSD.

Just a thought.

*Something the regimental system facilitates btw.

HELLO ONCE AGAIN

2010-05-13T20:29:00.004+02:00

And welcome to another episode of the Remittance Man Show. We shall start, as always with a moment of silent appreciation for the good things in life:

I'm sure you'll join me in thanking Mrs Simpkins from the Ladies' Goodwill Committee, for sharing her good thing with us this evening.

OH WELL

2010-05-12T20:51:00.007+02:00

I'm sure that's more than enough drivel from me today. So with a cheery wave, a handful of ladies in undies and a happy goodbye I shall bid you all good evening.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major

EVERYONE’S TALKING ABOUT THE ACTOR

2010-05-12T20:46:00.003+02:00

Sir Ian McKellen mistaken for tramp outside theatre

Sir Iain McKellern at a press conference earlier today

But what about the poor old Tramp? From now until Kingdom Come he’s going to be mistaken for Sir Ian McKellern. The poor bugger’s not going to be able to beg another cent.

IF JUSTICE IS PERCIEVED TO BE INEFFECTIVE …….

2010-05-12T20:36:00.004+02:00

…… PEOPLE WILL FIND OTHER WAYS TO EFFECT WHAT THEY SEE AS JUSTICE

The Russian Navy is receiving some flak from the usual suspects over the fate of certain Somalian pirates captured during the recapture of the MV Moscow University.

A group of Somali pirates captured by the Russian navy in the Gulf of Aden and then set free in a boat are most probably dead after failing to reach the shore, according to Russian defence sources.

But what else could the Russians do? The “International Community” has forbidden the hanging of pirates from yardarms or any other penalty that might deter future misbehaviour. Frustrated, the Ruskies did what many people eventually do when the law becomes an ass – they chose to make somewhat broader intepretations of the rules than might be the case otherwise.

In this instance the official story seems to be that having been deprived of the tools of their trade, the pirates were given a stiff talking to, put back in their boat and told to go home. The small matter that they were 300 nautical miles from land and that the Russians interpret “tools of the piratical trade” to include things like compasses, water containers, fuel, food, oars and sails is purely coincidental. And, as Mr W says: To suggest the boat was used for a little informal target practice would constitute a gross calumny on the name of that fine body of men, the Voyenno-Morskoy Flot Rossii
.

Anyway, it’s only a bunch of beardie wierdies in the yooman rights brigade who seem upset. Even the Somali Ambassador to Moscow thinks everything’s hunkie doorie:

"Not one Somali or the government of our country sees Russia as being guilty in this. The Russian military showed they can act effectively so that not one crew member of the captured tanker was hurt."

President Medvedev said the raid was “sharp, professional and quick” before awarding everyone involved medals and double chocolate rations for a week.

So that’s all right then.

THAT CAMPBELL-BOULTON SPAT

2010-05-12T20:30:00.001+02:00

On Monday night Sky’s political editor got into a full-blown slanging match with NuLab eminence grease, Alastair Campbell. The full text is here and there are enough copies of the video floating around blogistan to satisfy anyone’s curiosity, but basically Boulton got the impression Campbell was impugning his journalistic impartiality and lost his rag.

It wasn’t even the first time this had happened; the pair had engaged in a slightly less unseemly bitch fight on the night of the election over much the same issue. In both cases it was pretty obvious Campbell was deliberately winding Boulton up. The question is why?

At the time I put it down to one of three reasons: Campbell was laying the foundations for the excuses we’re doubtless going to hear about why Labour lost*. He was starting his personal defence against charges he fucked up the Labour campaign. Or it was something much more personal**.

Since then, I’ve started to refine that view and think I’ve identified what will be a central plank in NuLab’s dolchstoßlegende. Certainly the evidence seems to point this way: It’s not a personal defence because other NuLab rats have picked up on the charge. It’s not something personally personal either because they’ve been flinging it at hacks other than Boulton; for example, yesterday Dougie Alexander nearly managed to provoke Kay Burley into a Boultonesque outburst over much the same charge. This just leaves the getting the party’s defence in early option.

It’s almost like those famous stages of grief psychobabblists like to pontificate about. I’m guessing NuLab have gotten past “Denial” and “Bargaining”, those came and went with the Brown’s pathetic attempt to resign but not resign and then create a “progressive coalition”. I suspect we are now in the “Blame” phase. Sadly, because they are socialists, I suspect they’ll never get past this and eventually reach “Acceptance”.

Which means we are going to be hearing a lot more about how the glorious onward march of NuLabour was thwarted by the evil right-wing media, especially those crypto-fascist bastards on Sky.

*”It was the bastard right-wing media what cost us the election”
**Boulton is married to Blair’s former spin doctor and erstwhile Campbell colleague Anji Hunter

ONE SUGGESTION FOR THE NEW ADMINISTRATION

2010-05-12T20:28:00.000+02:00

Well, I did say I would continue offering unwanted advice, didn’t I.

Constitutional change is going to be a major theme of this parliament partly because the LibDems are insistent that the voting system e changed and partly because the country needs to sort out the mess left by Blair’s half-arsed and partisan meddling. Fortunately the Tories (and presumably the LibDems) have recognised that any changes cannot be made without the specific consent of the people but they are still only planning to present politicians’ solutions to individual issues on an ad hoc basis. Sadly I fear this will not be enough. For one thing some of the ideas being spoken of (such as the fixed parliamentary term) directly contradict other provisions of the constitution.

I used to think Britain’s chaotic constitutional arrangements were sufficient defence against the unprincipled and evil-minded and indeed it was all the while politicians recognised, understood and believed in the underlying principles and conventions. Sadly the evidence of the last thirteen years has shown what can go wrong when unscrupulous politicians either don’t understand those principles or don’t give a damn for them unless they serve the plan de jour.

The time has come for Britain to create a complete written constitution that lays down the limits of government power and specifies the safeguards against the uneducated and unscrupulous. But since we can only rely on politicians and bureaucrats to carve things to their own advantage this is far too big a task to be left to the self-centred intellectual pygmies in Westminster or the unscrupulous bastards of Whitehall. We need a full-blown constitutional convention that brings together the best minds of the nation to examine the task before a final version is put to the public for approval.

The only limit I would place on the members of the convention would be that their deliberations fix the glaring problems created by the fact modern politicians are no longer gentlemen but remain as close to British constitutional thought and current practice as possible – no dodgy foreign concepts here if you please.

I’ll be putting forward some ideas of my own in the near future.

ONE PHRASE I’M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING

2010-05-12T20:18:00.002+02:00

“A hung parliament is what the voters wanted”

Er, no, I'm pretty sure it wasn’t.

In fact I’m almost convinced the voters wanted a well-defined winner which offered clear policies on how to deal with the various big issues facing Britain today. The problem was they were presented with three parties that really didn’t differ that much from each other. So, in lieu of clearly definable policy differences they could use, people were forced to vote tribally or make their decisions using X-factor criteria.

A hung parliament was the consequence of this phenomenon but I’ll match Iain Dale’s promise to run stark bollock naked down Whitehall if anyone can prove it was what the electorate consciously chose.

THE NEW GOVERNMENT’S FIRST TEST

2010-05-12T20:14:00.001+02:00

It seems despite the confusion on Monday, it seems Alastair Darling didn’t sign Britain up to the rescue package for the PIGS after all and now the mainlanders (well, the Frogs) are cross.

Britain has been warned it will be punished by Europe if the pound is hit by a financial crisis, after refusing to support a massive euro bail-out.
Officials from both euro and non-euro countries said Britain should not ask for help if it runs into trouble because it had not signed up to a £378 billion support fund.
Jean-Pierre Jouyet, a former French Europe minister and the current chairman of France's financial services authority, yesterday predicted only "God would help" a rudderless Britain after it snubbed its euro zone neighbours.

But as I pointed out on Monday, Alastair Darling didn’t have a mandate to sign Britain up to the rescue package. Sure he was still Her Madge’s Chancellor of the Exchequer, but a chancellor in name only. He represented a rump administration with no realistic chance of remaining in office for very long; which meant he had no right to commit a future administration to massive financial outlays. The person who actually has the right to sign Britain up (if it is decided this is in the country’s interest) is George Osborne and he only started work this morning. FFS! The poor lad’s still trying to find the way to the toilets and where the tuck shop is!

Personally I can’t help thinking this is an attempt by the Crapauds to sow discontent between the europhile LibDems and the euro-sceptic Conservatives before the new coalition government even gets to its feet. M Jouyet again:

”There is not a two speed Europe but a three speed Europe. You have Europe of the euro, Europe of the countries that understand the euro ... and you have the English," he said.
“The English are very certainly going to be targeted given the political difficulties they have. Help yourself and heaven will help you. If you don't want to show solidarity to the euro zone, then let's see what happens to the United Kingdom."

Add to that the news that the French bank, BNP Paribas, is making all sorts of noises about Britain losing its gold plated credit rating and one might not be too wrong thinking the Mainlanders, led by the Frogs, are rattling their financial sabres. At the very least it’s a clumsy attempt to frighten the new coalition government into bowing to its European overlord and possibly splitting the coalition before it has had a chance to get to work.

Even if I were an ardent europhile I think I’d give M Jouyet and his chums a call and invite them to take a running jump into the nearest, brimming cesspit for essaying such blatant interference in another country’s affairs.

As a card carrying euro-sceptic I’m inclined to tell M Jouyet to go and bugger himself with a 1/5th scale replica of Nelson’s Column outside Waterloo Station.

SO WE HAVE A NEW GOVERNMENT

2010-05-12T20:13:00.000+02:00

I must admit it’s not exactly the outcome for which I hoped. I do genuinely fear that an already “moist” Tory leadership will be forced into even wetter dampness by their new coalition chums and will thus lack the bottom to do what is necessary. Given the wide ideological differences between the Tories and the LibDems, I also worry that it could prematurely end in tears, letting a revitalised Socialist party back into office*.

That being said, railing against that which is now decided is a pointless exercise. As my boss likes to remind us peasants: Ons moet pis met die piele die Heer ons gegee het**.

NuLabour is out and there is an opportunity to start repairing the damage wrought by 13 years of unbridled socialist incompetence, corruption and malevolence. The concessions Cameron appears to have made are bearable (AV is one of the least objectionable forms of PR and he’s only promised a referendum on that, not an absolute change) and the markets appear to like the fact the socialists are well away from the levers of power.

All in all, YHC finds himself inclined to give Cameron’s new administration his cautious and not unqualified support. For now. I ain’t going to stop offering unwanted advice, loosing my temper at obvious stupidity and condemning signs of deviation from the true path of wingnuttery, but let’s see what the future brings. If nothing else, watching the kumbayah-singing, free-range-rambling beardie-wierdies trying to be polite to the huntin’, shootin’, fishin’, shire Tories is definitely going to be amusing.

*One thing of which we can be certain is that while Brown may be gone, Mandelson, Campbell, Balls and the rest of the NuLabrats remain. Once they’ve sorted out their leadership issues, we can be sure they will bring to bear every dirty trick in the socialist handbook in an attempt to portray their recent electoral defeat as the result of treachery. Nor will they hesitate to lie, cheat and misrepresent everything they can to sully the reputation of the parties now in government.
**An admonishment that frequently confuses newly engaged female colleagues.

HELLO, GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME

2010-05-12T20:02:00.002+02:00

To another episode of the Remittance Man. First, a thoroughly non-pc bottom to celebrate the arrival of a (hopefully) non-pc government in Westminster.

Now, on with the show.

HOORAH FOR MOOI AUNTIES

2010-05-10T20:28:00.006+02:00

Apparently the ten most beautiful women in the world are:

1) Penelope Cruz
2) Claudia Schiffer
3) Kristin Scott Thomas
4) Queen Rania of Jordan
5) Catherine Deneuve
6) Dame Helen Mirren
7) Charlize Theron
8) Kate Beckinsale
9) Natascha McElhone
10) Sophia Loren

Obviously it would be impolite to mention the ladies’ ages, but I don’t think any of them would mind if I pointed out that they all meet RM’s specifications for auntiehood*. Given the nature of the survey, I think we can say their mooiness is also guaranteed.

So in celebration of this further proof of the attractiveness of older ladies, here are some more ladies d’un certain age whose mooiness is also indisputable.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

*Old enough to have sons whose chums who are capable of having adolescent lusts for them. In the opinion of the Kleinkudoeskop Interdenominational Theological Discussion Group (who have given this question much thought) this means +35.

ER? EXCUSE ME!

2010-05-10T20:24:00.002+02:00

Apparently Alastair Darling is over in Brussels either promising to chip in to the Greek bail out or not, depending on whether one reads the Telegraph or the Guardian*

Now I think readers can guess what my preferred decision would be, but let’s leave that aside for the moment and consider something a little more basic.

I know, constitutionally speaking, Gordon Brown remains Prime Minister until the other two leaders manage to cobble some sort of crooked deal together, but that’s just for form’s sake. Basically some mug has to keep the bog seat warm and switch the lights on and off in No 10 until a proper PM steps forward and takes over. But if that’s the case, should one of the his henchmen be gallivanting around Brussels making all sorts of promises he knows neither he nor his boss will have to uphold?

That strikes me as a bit out of order.

UPDATE

According to The Times it seems like he has although he’s strenuously denying the fact. Make of this what you will.

*And even at what time of the day one reads the Guardian – according to The Englishman, earlier in the day, that paper was reporting that Darling had also agreed to bung the Bubbles some dosh.

YOU CAN’T KEEP LEMSIP DOWN

2010-05-10T20:18:00.003+02:00

Apparently Lemsip Optik, the recently ousted LibDem MP for Llanincest and Sheepshaggery, is now carving himself a new career as a tv pundit. Your humble correspondent must admit this pleases him; Lemsip always added to the gaiety of the British political scene and his total absence would be sorely missed.

Besides, the fact Lembit can pull a cheeky girl (or two) gives hope to the rest of us.

MORE ON VOTING REFORMS

2010-05-10T20:16:00.001+02:00

After the series of fuckups experienced at polling stations around the country people are calling for a wholesale review of the system. Even the useless bint in charge of the Electoral Commission is using the various stuff ups as an excuse to argue the entire system needs an overhaul. In the case of Jenny Watson, I suspect these calls are meant to divert attention from her own culpability and that of the organisation she heads. As for the others, we can but guess at their motives. But are these calls really necessary?

Once again I think not.

The British system with its quaint set up of ballot papers, pencilled X’s and hand counting may appear old fashioned, even out of date; but how does it stand up to the alternatives?

I think we can all agree that electronic systems appear too open to abuse to be trusted by the population at large. One can watch ballot papers being counted and it’s actually quite hard to hide or lose a big box full of paper if it’s being watched by a policeman and a couple of party agents. The same can’t be said for the little electronic ones and zeroes stored in a black box. Trust in the system is paramount and basically people “know” computers (or rather the people who fiddle with computers) cannot be trusted.

So what about other systems? Something like the voting machines used in America perhaps? Well, I think the fun and games our colonial cousins had with hanging chads etc back in 2000 shows just how badly Pete Tong that system can go.

Quite frankly the British system with its pencil crosses on simple ballot papers that are then counted by hand strikes me as about the safest and most trustworthy system we have. Those things that did go wrong this time around were either caused by incompetence*or things that actually have no bearing on the voting system used**. It may look out of place in the 21st Century, but just because it’s old doesn’t mean it can’t work like it says on the tin.

*Insufficient staff to handle the number of voters, insufficient ballot papers etc.
**Fraudulent registration, abuse of the postal balloting system and so on.

WHY PR IS A BAD THING

2010-05-10T20:13:00.002+02:00

The LibDems are making a lot of noise about changing the voting system used in the UK. PR, they claim, is “more democratic” than the FPTP system currently in place. But is this really the case? Superficially it may appear so, I’m not entirely convinced.

The thing most people forget (and the politicians would love us all to forget) is that democracy is not an end in itself. Democracy is simply the least worst means we have yet discovered to achieve something else: To protect the population from the excesses and self-interest of the ruling elite.

Once one understands this, achieving “perfect democracy” becomes less important than creating the best practical system that achieves this end. And, to my mind, that sure as flip ain’t PR.

Why do I say this?

Well, think about it: How do we make the executive behave in the ways we want it to? We elect a legislative assembly that controls the budget and the passing of laws. How do we make the legislature behave? Basically we make the job security of the legislators as insecure as possible. Does PR do that? No, indeed I believe it reinforces the position of the political elite.

Firstly most PR systems push elected representatives further away from the people who elect them. Pure party list versions are the worst for this*, but even those systems that introduce a degree of local responsibility (the system used to elect England’s MEPs for example) cannot replicate the individual responsibility FPTP puts on each and every MP**.

Secondly, PR entrenches the hegemony of the existing political parties. Okay, the closer one gets to a true party list system, the more the minor parties benefit – which is why the LibDems are so keen to impose PR on the country – but it precludes those real benefits to democratic representation, the mavericks and independents. Under any form of PR can you imagine people like Dai Davis, Richard Taylor, Peter Law, Martin Bell or even George Galloway getting into parliament?

Personally I’d much rather people like them (yes, even Gorgeous George) got into parliament than a bunch of Mini-me versions of the big parties. While they may not have a huge effect on policy, they serve to upset the status quo and remind the politicians that even protected by their big party machines they are not entirely safe.

So until someone can invent a system that holds individual elected representatives and the parties they represent better to account, I’ll continue to argue for the retention of FPTP. It may not be perfectly representative but by being the system that makes MPs’ jobs the least secure it is by far the most “democratic”.

*Here in SA this is the system we have and quite frankly I couldn’t tell you who is my local MP or who is responsible for firing Honourable Member X if he is caught committing naughtiness above and beyond the normal call of his duty. Desspite claims to the contrary (usually from politicians) it’s the least democratic system I’ve seen baring an outright dictatorship.
**And which the right of recall would greatly enhance.

WHY AM I CONCERNED ABOUT THE BACK ROOM DEALING NOW GOING ON IN LONDON?

2010-05-10T20:12:00.000+02:00

It all comes down to one phrase we keep hearing from the mouths of the politicians:

“putting the national interest first”

Whenever I hear a scumbag utter those words I know that the exact opposite will occur. Why? Because if they honestly did put the national interest ahead of personal ambition, as they should be doing, they wouldn’t need to keep assuring us about their intentions.

It’s a case of the assurance proving the opposite is true.

HELLOO AGAIN

2010-05-10T20:06:00.003+02:00

And welcome to another episode of the Remittance Man. First up, let's have a moment of silent admiration for the gift with which this young lady has been bestowed and which she so generously shares with us.

Now, on with the show.

MONDAY MORNUING VINTAGE POPPIES

2010-05-10T07:30:00.000+02:00

We haven't had a monday morning pick-me-up for quite a while, so I trust the return of the Vintage Poppies will be met with approval.

LAter y'all.

OH WELL. IT'S BEDTIME

2010-05-09T21:25:00.005+02:00

But before I go, here are some ladies demurely clad as befits a sabbath evening.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FORCE THE FINANCIALLY PRUDENT TO BAIL OUT THE PROFLIGATE AND IRRESPONSIBLE

2010-05-09T20:54:00.003+02:00

German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s centre-right coalition has suffered defeat in a state election costing it its majority in the upper house, according to exit polls.

Thanks to a former regime's abuse of plebiscites the German people are constitutionally forbidden the right of referendum. This rather short sighted law has meant that the German political class have pretty much been able to do what they want when it comes to signing up their people to assorted wheezes from Brussels, including the common currency. Not that the German people were overly chuffed with that idea.

Much as mention of certain historical events provokes predictable reactions amongst Brits, other historical references are guaranteed to make Germans act in certain ways. One of the most powerful of these folk memories is the Great Depression and the hyper-inflation that followed. Far more than in Britain or the US memories of this historical event causes Germans real distress, even today. That's why maintaining a strong stable currency was almost a national religion and why they loathed the idea of losing it when their politicians signed them up to the euro. They had a very strong suspicion of what would happen when their beloved D-mark was forced to bed down with the Drachma, the Lira, the Peseta and all the other junk currencies run by financial illiterates.

Now those suspicions are becoming reality and, as they feared, they are being told they must bail out their financially irresponsible neighbours*, the Germans are expressing their disgust in the only way they can. Sadly for Mrs Merkel, I don't think this will be the only expression of their disgust.Sadly for the rest of europe I fear that because the entire German political class is wedded to the euro-ideal we will also see a growing tendency towards support for parties from the extremist fringe.

*Having ungrateful Greeks stand up and say that they have some sort of right to to German dosh on account of what happened 65 years ago is not going to oil the wheels of euroharmony either.

PARLIAMENT OF LOSERS

2010-05-09T20:35:00.002+02:00

Something few people seem to be commenting upon in all the curfuffle about coalitions and so on is that the three main parties vying for power are all led by losers.

On Thurday it would have been reasonable to expect that at least one party leader, and possibly two, would be resigning sometime about Friday lunchtime in response to their dismal performance(s) in the elections.

By Friday one might have been tempted to think all three party leaders should be resigning. Brown for being the most unpopular Prime minister since I know not whom and suffering an election defeat because of that. Cameron for failing to oust the most unpopular prime minister since I know not whom and Clegg for managing to turn a thirty odd percent opinion poll rating into a twenty one percent share of the vote and actually managing to finish the election with two less seats that he started.

Yet on Sunday Cameron and Clegg are deep in discussions about some sort of coalition or agreement to co-operate on certain issues and, in the ultimate insult, Brown remains in Downing Street. WTF?

The country is being carved up behind closed doors by three bloody losers!

Is this what Brits voted for?

HELLO AGAIN

2010-05-09T20:25:00.003+02:00

Yep, it's that aweful time of the week when we realise that the weekend is over and a return to work is imminent. I an effort to gird loins and stiffen resolves, please accept this humble offering from Remittance Entertainment (Pty) Ltd.

Now. let's get on with the show.

AG! FOKIT!

2010-05-08T10:07:00.007+02:00

I was going to vent my spleen on some other stuff, but my bloody pressure can only stand so much. Besides I'm off ~~to kill some sky~~ to do some clay pigeon shooting this afternoon, so a short while spent inducing mental calmness is probably in order.

As a first step to achieving moksha I find the contemplation of mooi aunties in their undies to be most efficacious.

So, until tomorrow, good afternoon everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major. Tell the sowars they my have the rest of the day off.

CAN THINGS GET WORSE?

2010-05-08T09:01:00.002+02:00

This was supposed to be the election that saw Labour being consigned to the dustbin of history. In order for that to happen the socialists needed to be soundly defeated by a party that got a clear mandate to fix all the fuckups thirteen years of corrupt and inept NuLabour governance have bequeathed the British people. Instead we have the mishmash of a hung parliament and the knowledge that whichever of the big two gets in (and that ain't certain yet) he will only be there at the sufferance of the leader of a much smaller party.

Guido and Tom Cougherty at the ASI are trying to talk this up as an historic opportunity to create a two party system in which the socialists play no part. And they may be right.

Theoretically.

Sadly, looking at the protagonists, I remain much more sceptical.

On the one hand we have Nick Clegg. He's the leader of a party with decades of form for saying whatever they think is necessary to score a vote and get into power. Thanks to the LibDem Party Consitution he's required to get virtually every policy decision ratified by the party. Her may not be a swivel eyed beardie wierdie, but can he guarantee that 75% of his party aren't? On the other we have David Cameron, a "conservative" who has sold out every Conservative policy as I understand them in a misguided and ultimately doomed attempt to make his party electable. He might have set out his negotiating position in that speech yesterday with a few "non-negotiables", but that's just the opening round. When it comes down to it, how cast iron will his principles be? What else is he prepared to trade so for a few months he can boast he lives in Downing Street?

And therein lies the real problem - coalitions are not stable things, especially in times like these. To sort out the problems facing the country unpopular decisions will need to be taken and this will require cojones not of steel but tungsten; can we honestly expect that of Cameron or Clegg? Remember only one of them has to refuse and the whole thing comes to a grinding halt.

Worse: A ConLib coalition leaves NuLabour able to retreat and rebuild. They can get rid of Brown in a way that seems humane and might even canonise him, making him a martyr of the socialist cause. On top of that they will start perpetuating their own version of the Dolchstoßlegende, while making themselves out to be the "true defenders of the people" blaming the pain that is actually inevitable on "the capitalist scum and back-room-dealers of the coalition".

I realise this may sound perverse, but I'm rather hoping the coalition talks fail. Cameron can then either form a minority government whose ultimate failure he can blame on the other two or he can hope Clegg and Labour cook a deal. Of the two, the latter would be my favourite outcome. It would force Labour to confront the huge problems it has caused and make them excedingly unpopular, simultaneously damaging the LibDems. The coalition would doubtless fall apart before Christmas and a revitalised Consevative Party could campaign on a far more conservative platform that may well win them a mandate.

SORRY I HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND MUCH LATELY

2010-05-08T08:21:00.003+02:00

Blame a combination of things to do (NuNurse is a little more "high maintenance" than the old one) and a general sense of total pissed offness about things British and electorial.

First of all, what the news agents seem to be calling "the most exciting election campaign in decades" wasn't. It was four weeks of triviality, a triumph of shallow showbiz over real substance. We had the fashion wars between SamCam, Sarah Brown and Clegg's flamenco dancer. Then we had the debate about which ~~biscuit~~ candidate the ladies of yummymummynet prefer.

But the final insult was the televised debates. Now these could have provided a unique opportunity for the candidates to be questioned on their parties' policies and plans; indeed I suspect that's what the public genuinely believed they would be. Instead they simply became opportunities for the three leaders to demonstrate just how well they had memorised their particular manifestos and their ability to regurgitate the relevant bits when subjected to what resembled a glorified pop quiz. Even the commentary was disappointing: the news hacks seemed obsessed with whether Brown's nervous twitch was a sign of anxiety or mental illness, whether Clegg's hair-stylist was a closet tory or the significance of Cameron's choice of tie.

Personally I can't remember an election where policy and plans has played less of a role than this last one, so whatever Boulton, Dimbleby and the rest may say, I count this as one of the most frustrating and least exciting election campaigns ever. Which I think explains the result.

Oh well, at least there are still ladies' bottoms. Let's enjoy that while still can*

Now on with the show.

*The way things are going some bastard's going to out law even that soon enough.

AND IN LATE NEWS

2010-05-01T00:15:00.003+02:00

BROWN'S JONAH SYNDROME APPEARS TO BE GETTING WORSE

Jonah Brown's curse has been widely commented upon on this here interweb. For some time it has seemed as though any sportsman/team or company that came into contact with Brown was doomed to fal at their next hurdle, but the effect usually took a few days to manifest itself. But now it looks like the disasters are actually happening whenever Brown is present. Take this from the Times:

Labour's ill-starred election campaign took another hit today when Gordon Brown's launch of a poster designed to set the agenda for the final week was interrupted by a car crash.

That's right, Brown shows up at some pre-programmed event and the moment he starts to speaks, whammo, some innocent road user, going about his lawful occasion, ends up with a totalled motor.

Truly the man is a walking natural disaster. For the good of the nation will someone please lock him up somewhere very safe. A couple of thousand feet underground would be good, preferably beneath a mountain of granite like those American nuclear command posts.

FLIPPERTY FLIP!

2010-04-30T23:52:00.004+02:00

Just caught this on via Guido's rolling news headlines:

If the Guardian had a vote it would be cast enthusiastically for the Liberal Democrats.

Okay the old Manchester Guardian was set up to promote various mid 19th Century political reforms, but in a nice bourgeois manner. Over the past few decades, however, it has been a decidedly Labour supporting paper (if on the right of the Labour spectrum).

For it to be publishing an editoral that specifically endorses the Liberal Democrats and simultaneously slates Labour's failings, is quite a shift.

I wonder what Polly will say.

OH WELL, TIME TO GO

2010-04-30T20:10:00.007+02:00

But before I do a selection of ladies in red undies seems appropriate.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

GILLIGAN – RIGHT AND WRONG

2010-04-30T20:01:00.005+02:00

Andrew Gilligan has an interesting article in The Telegraph today. Essentially he argues that the political right could score more than the left under PR.

Well, yes and no. I don’t deny that PR would probably give the smaller parties a voice in parliament they do not have under the current system, but where I differ from Andrew is the definition of what constitutes a “right wing party”. By his own admission, apart from their stance on the eu, the BNP manifesto is decidedly socialist.

In contrast, on Afghanistan (troops out now) and free-market capitalism (they don't like it much) the BNP has essentially the same policies as Respect.

Yet he insists in lumping them together with UKIP.

I’ll acknowledge there are a few fairly “right-wing” types in UKIP, but they are of the hanging and flogging, golf-club Tory stripe; people who are as far from the jackboot and skinhead style of the BNP as they are from the unshaven hippy chicks of the Green Party. So working on the assumption that the BNP is likely to side with the lefties more often than it would with the righties I decided to look at how a PR parliament might look.

If we take the 2009 elections for the European Parliament and look at the results* we get an interesting set up.

I took the results for Great Britain and chopped off all parties with less than 2%. I then assigned the remainder seats in a nominal 632 seat parliament according to their share of the vote. Finally I added the eighteen seats from Ulster as the 2009 NI election distributed seats (six each to Sinn Fein, the DUP and the Conservatives and Unionists (CUP)). This gives a parliament that looks as follows:

I then split the parliament according to four notional blocks: Obvious “Righties”, Obvious “Lefties”, Possible “Lefties” and Possible “Righties”.

Obviously an STV or AV system would produce different results, but I don’t have the time or resources to analyse those. But in a straight PR setup, even if we assume the BNP’s 42 MPs side with the lefties, the righties will still have a majority of 12. So despite being wrong on the rightness or otherwise of the BNP it seems Gilligan is correct and PR could well benefit the conservative cause.

*The last reliable set of data available

IS THIS PROOF THE CRAPAUDS DO KNOW THEIR PLACE?

2010-04-30T19:53:00.002+02:00

Check the scan below, it’s from the cover of a mouse pad a consultant handed out at work today.

You’ll note that the aforementioned pad is manufactured by a company called “La Gruyiere” or something similar. This kind of indicates a company of French origin. So why do they give us their quality assurances in English and German?

Pourquoi pas en Francais, mes amis?

FRIDAY NIGHT IS BATH NIGHT

2010-04-30T19:49:00.002+02:00

At least round here it is. See ....

Now back to the show.

REASONS TO LEAVE THE EU NO 99

2010-04-30T19:43:00.002+02:00

Baroness Ashton is expected to stand down within months after widespread criticism that she has failed in the European Union foreign minister post she had been expected to fill for five years.

Basically she’s failed to stop the European Commission from taking over the design and manning of the proposed eu diplomatic corps, the ominously named European External Action Service and now even the French think she’s useless.

But think about this for a moment. Baroness Ashton was previously Trade Commissioner so her abilities, or lack thereof must have been known to the eu apparat. If they wanted someone strong enough to stand up to the entrenched bureaucracy, why on God's Green Earth did they accept her nomination?

To be honest I’m quite happy Ashton has fucked up; her unintentional sabotage will have delayed the implementation of more eu policy at least for a while and that must be good. But what about the organisation that put her in the position in the first place? Foreign Secretary is kind of a seriosu job, especially the first holder of the job who's being entrusted with creating the department and its ethos. If the eu gave so little thought to such an important role that it put an incompetent like Ashton in the the chair, surely this is not an organisation of which Britain should be a member.

And if more proof were needed of her incompetence her defence against these accusations surely provides it – she says they are nothing but a product of the “latent sexism at the heart of the male dominated eu”. Yep, all she can do is fall back on the old "they're all ...ists and they're all out to get me" line. Pathetic!

But the real joke comes at the end:

Some officials have suggested that Mr Miliband, the current foreign secretary, could be her replacement if he fails in his ambition to become Labour's next leader after the general election next week.

Who says the new PM will nominate Millipede Minimus and isn’t it a bit presumptuous to think the Frogs, the Boxheads and all the others are going to accept another Brit if the last example leaves under a cloud of failure?

Can we leave yet?

GEOGRAPHY LESSONS NEEDED AT THE BUGLE METHINKS

2010-04-30T19:34:00.002+02:00

Well, it’s either that or a short workshop on European culture.

I trust my readers are erudite enough to spot the slight error, but just in case a leftie windowlicker has gotten past security let’s set the record straight.

SWEDISH Heidi appears in films of the adult educational genre for which her Scandanavian homeland is justly famous. SWISS Heidi is a fictional little girl who lives up an Alp with her grandfather and several goats. I realise that at first glance it might be possible to confuse the plot line of the latter with that of the former, but believe me - there’s a big difference.

But the real irony is only revealed with a little digging. After confusing one vaguely Germanic Heidi for another, the lads at the Barclay Bugle went and filed the story in the correct place. Check the url of the link and you’ll note it’s wadawadawada …. /news/worldnews/europe/Switzerland/ …. wadawadawada.

Sometimes reality really does beat imagination.

HELLO ONCE AGAIN

2010-04-30T19:28:00.003+02:00

And welcome to the Friday night Remittance Man. Let us start, in the traditional manner with a moment of appreciation for something wondrous.

Thank you, Miss. Now, on with the show.

OH WELL IT'S BED TIME

2010-04-30T00:10:00.004+02:00

But before I go, how about some ladies in swimwear? I thought you'd agree, so here are some I prepared earlier:

Goodnight everbody. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

SHENANIGINS IN BRISTOL?

2010-04-29T23:52:00.003+02:00

Guido's getting all hot under the collar because it appears the Labour candidate for Bristol East has revealled the results of the postal ballots via Twitter. Don't get me wrong, if some bottom feeder has stared breaking the rules even before she gets elected to parliament, I hope the powers that be ream her a new arsehole, but one does have to question the system here.

Apparently the postal votes get opened ahead of polling day. Because this has to be done in the presence of the various candidates and their agents, the ballots are kept face down. But because sometimes the candidates might just inadvertently get a peak, they are sworn not to reveal any numbers they might have seen; something to do with possible influence on the final result.

Okay, but we all know that a modern politician's word is worth virtually nothing, so if prior knowledge of the postal votes might influence voters, why the chuff are the ballots opened before the main counting starts on election night? Even if there is extra validation that must be done for postal votes I can't see a problem. While the drones are counting the tens of thousands of votes made at polling stations, a smaller group can check and count the few hundred postal votes.

One basic change to the procedure and you could get rid of the entire problem, one skat.

Simples, no?

HELLO AGAIN

2010-04-29T23:22:00.003+02:00

So what about that debate? My own gut feeling was that it had a little more life to it than the previous ones but I'm still not impressed. Indeed I'm inclined to rate it much like the picture below - a lot of arse - but without the appeal.

I was impressed by Dimbleby though - he was much better than the other quizmasters, even hauling Brown up when he concentrated on attacking Cameron for a policy belonging to both the Tories and the LibDems.

As for the rest it was Cameron trying to be a Tory and attacking Brown for being a failure but still trying to look cute and cuddly, Brown claiming he was a success and attacking Cameron for being nasty and Clegg apparently suggesting cross-party, Kumbayah, group huggie sessions whenever a difficult question came up.

One thing I did notice however was Brown's behaviour. Clegg arrived alone but Cameron and Brown both dragged their wives along. On arrival Cameron did the decent thing and opened the car door for his missus Brown simply bailed out of his motor and rushed off to shake some non-entity's hand. Okaty he has bodyguards and flunkies but you'd have thought he could at least open a door or two for his wife.

The other thing about Brown's behaviour I found offputting (well, more offputting than the rest of his behaviour) was his manner of speaking; it was all "me" and "I". I don't think I once heard him talk about "we", "us" or "the Labour party". The other two managed to keep their egos under control and interspersed their "me's" and"I's" with enough plural pronouns to make a listener think they weren't complete megalomaniacs.

Oh well, apparently the pollsters reckon Cameron won that one by a wide margin. After three weeks I still haven't worked out how people actually score these things, but there you go. According to Sky both ComRes and YouGov are calling it Cameron 41%, Clegg 33% and Brown 25%. I guess the other 1% reckon Dimbleby came out on top.

OH WELL TIME TO GO

2010-04-28T22:04:00.006+02:00

But before I do, here are some mooi aunties

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

OF GREECE, PIGS AND THE EURO

2010-04-28T21:54:00.002+02:00

So it seems to be finally happening. Standard and Poor have readjusted Greece’s debt to the status of junk bonds and the markets have pushed the cost of Greek debt to levels unseen in more than a decade. Worse the other feckless southern nations look to be following in Greece’s footsteps with potentially disastrous consequences for the euro.

Now this and the fact it’s all going to end in floods of tears is all very sad but I can hardly say that it is surprising. Let’s be honest, the Greek government’s reckless borrow and spend tactics were simply the latest example of one, simple truth: The eu exists to allow the governments of poor southern nations to bribe their potentially rebellious populations into passivity with northern gold.

The CAP keeps French farmers from storming the Elysee Palace and the CFP means the Spanish government doesn’t have nightmares about fishermen surrounding the Cortes, brandishing torches and pitchforks in menacing ways. Infrastructure projects and subsidies all do the same thing across the rest of the poorer bits of the union.

Okay, that may not have been what Jean Mollet intended when he persuaded the Germans to sign up to his ~~Pact of Iron~~ European Coal and Steel Community, but that’s what it’s become. And the euro-debt crisis is the latest and worst symptom of the disease.

Basically the Eurocrats got this wonderful idea that they could score better deals in the global market if all the eu countries merged their bank accounts into one big account - a big account to which all the members would have a cheque book and access to limitless overdraft facilities. Now maybe it would have worked if entry to this club had been restricted to members with a proven track record of fiscal probity and economic common sense (The Germans and possibly the Dutch). It might have worked if the members had agreed some basic rules and, more crucially, the means to enforce them. Sadly this did not come to pass.

Instead the eurocrats became obsessed with size. They thought that in order to score these mythical "best deals" their bank account had to be the biggest in the world and for that they needed lots of members. Alas in order to get lots of members they had to lower the entry criteria somewhat; they let in countries whose fiscal track records were far from ideal (France, Italy, Spain Greece, assorted Balkan banditoes, you name it). Worse, once this little clusterfuck had been created, the responsible members found there was nothing they could do to control their less prudent colleagues.

This meant the irresponsible countries were pretty much at liberty to run up huge debts safe in the knowledge that membership of a collective meant that while borrowing was an individual act, responsibility was very much a collective issue. Once more, the profligate Southerners had found a way to fleece the prudent Northerners.

The question this time is will the Northerners put up with being fleeced yet again.

UPDATE

Just to help things along, I see S&P have now downgraded Spain's credit rating. They haven't been slammed quite as hard as the Bubbles but the markets are reacting in a predictable fashion. YHC is starting to think that increasing the candles, cartridges and tins of baked beans in one's portfolio might not be a bad short term investment strategy.

REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY

2010-04-28T21:38:00.002+02:00

Following on from my thoughts below I think I'm going to start rating the performance of Brown and Cameron as if they are genuinely trying to avoid ending up in government.

Obviously Brown has a distinct advantage if one looks at the race in this way. By his own admission he's untelegenic and about as human as one of the cybermen (but without the charm or personality). Not that he's resting on his laurels though. In the past weeks he's made some brilliant moves obviously designed to reduce his chances of getting back into government. The claim to be campaigning on substance and the real issues immediately followed by a public appearance which included an Elvis Impersonator was a surefire winner..

And then today he gets caught calling some silly old baggage a silly old baggage. Now she may indeed be a silly old baggage but she's a silly old baggage with a vote. She's also the sort of silly old baggage who I'm sure just loves all the attention she's getting from the media. If this election really is an "I don't want to be the next prime minister" contest, then this has to be a move of sheer brilliance.

Sadly Cameron's efforts at avoiding becoming the new holder of the keys to No10 have been much more lacklustre. He's made a few non-commital attempts but nothing of substance yet. Still a week is a long time in politics and as Brown has shown it is possible to fuck up an election campaign in seven days.

Now back to the studio.

RIGHT NOW BACK TO BUSINESS

2010-04-28T21:24:00.002+02:00

First a bum.

Now the other bums. What have the politiocians been up to during my enforced period of mourning?

I see Nick Clegg has managed to well and truly upset the electoral apple cart. From trailing the Big Boys by a clear ten points he’s now nearly neck and neck with them and possibly even overtaking Brown.

Obviously his television appearances have done much to raise his profile, but to be honest I think much of the blame for this phenomenon resides with David Cameron*. In both “debates”** Cameron rigidly stuck to his plan of attacking Brown and ignoring Clegg regardless of what the latter said. Meanwhile, Cleggie made full use of his unique ability to play agent provocateur.

In the first show Cameron defended himself from accusations of planning cuts in health services by going on about his ring fencing of the NHS budget only to have his argument blown away when Clegg stood up and said what everyone knows: Even the Blessed NHS is riddled with waste and savings can be made in its budget too if only someone has the guts - something he wants s to believe te Libdems have. Instead of picking up on this and running with it Cameron simply carried on like a stuck record.

He did it again in the second debate. In the middle of a berating about both of the big boys’ lack of commitment to the eu-project Clegg comes out with a promise to hold an in or out referendum. Okay, he’s never going to be called upon to make good his promise, but a clever opponent, especially on the right, could have used this and turned it back on Clegg. FFS! Cameron could have reinforced his very weak right flank simply by picking up the “reasonable” argument that the current state of affairs needs clarifying and an in or out referendum might be the answer. A full commitment that Clegg couldn’t back out of would definitely secure the 3 or 4% of voters currently intending to vote UKIP and might even have won some Labour voters to his cause.

Honestly! The man’s incapable.

Quite frankly I’m beginning to think a hung parliament and a weak LibLab coalition is the best outcome.

The economy’s in a mess and whoever comes into office is going to have to make some unpopular decisions. On top of that, with Greece about to collapse under the weight of its debts and the rest of the PIGS set to follow, we aren’t out of the woods yet.

The election of a weak leftie coalition will doubtless cause Cameron to resign, leaving the way open for the election of a new Conservative leader with a backbone. The coalition will doubtless hesitate and faff around when confronted with the enormity of the problems it is facing. It will then collapse in a big pile of recrimination and failure, probably within the year. The ensuing election then sees a full fat Conservative government brought to office and the combined lefties kicked into oblivion for a generation. Cue huzzahs, Margaret Thatcher commemorative mugs and double chocolate rations for everyone.

* Brown was a busted flush from the word go, no matter what Mandelson and Campbell may claim.
**These are not proper debates. In proper debates the participants adjust their positions and tactics to match the cut and thrust of their opponents’ arguments. At best what we are getting are simple tests of the candidates’ ability to memorise their party’s main policy points and then regurgitate them in a glorified pop quiz.

AND A WELCOME NEW ARRIVAL

2010-04-28T21:22:00.001+02:00

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the latest arrival at kwaRemittance Colin the Hyperdriven Supercomputer.

Colin hails from Ireland and is the product of those two famous lineages, the Hewletts and the Packards. He has been extensively educated and comes with many certificates, dual cored mega thingies, oodles of gigabytes and tera hertzes which are apparently very important

While his arrival was somewhat delayed by a case of directional confusion on the part of his delivery agents* his arrival means we can once again resume our daily transmissions with the outside world and we are sure he will prove a valuable asset in the years to come.

I hope you will join me in welcoming Colin and trust you will do all you can to make him feel part of the team.

*First they refused to believe that anyone not living within five minutes of a major urban centre knew how to operate a computer of such sophistication. Then they had difficulty finding Kleinkudoeskop. FFS! I know it took the Voortrekkers four year years to get here from Cape Town, but they came by ox wagon! We have a four lane highway nowadays. With signposts and everything.

A SAD DEPARTURE FROM KWAREMITTANCE

2010-04-28T21:06:00.004+02:00

It is with great sadness that we must report the demise of a faithful member of the kwaRemittance team. After many years of faithful service Cedric the Steam Powered Galvanic Calculating Engine (99) departed this vale of tears on Friday April 16th, his spirit ascending to the great internet café in the sky.

Born in the mists of time he was the son of Bernard the Bombe; thus did Cedric claim direct descent from the famous Babbage family of England. After rudimentary schooling, Cedric joined the staff of Remittance Holdings (Pty) Ltd as a Junior Adding Machine (Third Class). From these humble beginnings he took every opportunity to upgrade himself and eventually achieved his lifetime’s ambition: promotion to Chief Calculating Engine in 2006.

In 2007 Cedric was striken by a grievous injury by lightening from which it was feared he would not recover, but he astounded everyone with a come back worthy of Lazarus and a speedy return to work. Sadly this injury did lead to some long term problems in the last years of his life. His forgetful moments when he would lose files and his habit of falling for any attractive virus which happened to be passing were both great trials for his friends, but they considered them a small price to pay for his dedication and loyalty.

Friends of Cedric will be comforted to know that his passing was peaceful and without suffering, his last calculation cut short by the sudden and painless expiry of his aged circuit board. Cedric is survived by his second printer and two external hard drives.

In accordance with his wishes Cedric’s cooling fan has been donated to the local IT transplant centre. His earthly remains were then laid to rest in accordance with his beliefs; a traditional PC sky burial, performed at the local landfill after which a short memorial service was held at the Mandela Arms.

Cedric’s family request that flowers not be sent. Instead donations can be made to the election campaign of Mr Nigel Farage in the constituency of Buckingham.

RIP CEDRIC, A FAITHFUL FRIEND AND SERVANT

GOODNIGHT AND JAI HO!

2010-04-15T22:19:00.007+02:00

For the R-M Sahib and his lads:

Good night everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

FACTS I'M NOT SURE I WANTED TO KNOW

2010-04-15T22:07:00.002+02:00

Three-quarters of Britons text, blog or surf the internet while on the toilet, according to a poll.

I can understand reading in the loo; a quiet half hour in solitary confines of the smallest room with a copy of the Racing Post is one of those little pleasures that make life bearable. But interwebing? I think not.

FaceTubing and Twattering isn't like reading, it's like talking to someone. I'm not sure I want to be talking to people knowing their trousers are round their ankles and their bums suspended over the watery black hole.

GREAT IDEAS DESTINED TO FAIL NO 64

2010-04-15T21:45:00.004+02:00

A pornographic magazine for the blind has been launched - complete with explicit text and raised pictures of naked men and women.

Admittedly Playboy did produce a braille version in the 70's and 80's but that was text only. Still, one does have to wonder whether this will work. For a start it costs 150 quid, even for a noted ~~pronophile~~ connoseur of erotic literature like me that's a bit much for a one-handed magazine.

And that leads me to the other problem I foresee. In order to read the naughty braille and enjoy the embossed nudie pics the reader must have to keep his* hands on the page ........ I think you get what I'm trying to explain here.

*Yep, forget all those letters purportedly from women who claim to enjoy pron - they're all written by a fat, bald bloke in Birmingham. The truth is it's men who buy and read pron by a large margin.

FOR FUSK’S CAKES!

2010-04-15T21:29:00.004+02:00

Probably because of the industry in which I work and the emphasis the mining industry places on safety I am quite safety conscious. Even at home I tend to keep an eye on the way Mzi goes about his daily tasks and offer advice when I see him straying from the path of zero harm, but I do sometimes wonder how far employers are expected to go to protect their employees from their own fucking stupidity?

Take this from the Telegraph (via The Englishman)

Peter Aspinall, 64, had been asked to prune a sycamore tree in the grounds of a hotel, but instead of leaning his ladder against the trunk he placed it against the branch he was hacking down.

When the branch fell it took Mr Aspinall with it, 14ft to the ground below. He broke his heel, damaged his ligaments and had to spend ten days in hospital recovering from surgery on his injuries

The hotel was then taken to court by the Health and Safety nazis and ended up paying two grand for failing to provide Mr Aspinell with the proper training.

Now, for reasons too long and complicated to go into here, I am a graduate of one of these "working at heights" training sessions. It was exactly the same one mandated by the British and eu governments - I know because the presenters kept telling us this. Anyway, one of the useful things I do remember from the course was that not at any stage did anyone feel it necessary to inform us that cutting the only support to the structure on which we were standing was a bad idea.

That's right. Even the safety obsessed elfin safety brigade, teaching a bunch of dumb-assed miners how to set up a ladder, thought nobody could be so fucking stupid. Which leads me back to my original question:

Just how far do we have to go to protect other people from the consequences of their own stupidity?

I don't just ask this to provoke a debate, I'm actually interesting to learn exactly how far our lords and masters think I must go to prevent people I supervise from killing themselves because they are so fucking thick they should be in secure accomodation. Indeed, I need to know because according to South African law I am responsible for their bloody lives and will face an inquiry and possible criminal charges if one of them trips over his own shoelace and break his neck..

IS THIS THE MOST BORING ELECTION IN HISTORY?

2010-04-15T20:25:00.006+02:00

After more than a week of serious campaigning what the chuff has been achieved? The manifestos have been launched to an overwhelming wave of indifference, the leaders are roaming the countryside in so called battle buses apparently determined to avoid conflict if at all possible and despite thirteen years of the most corrupt, intellectually bankrupt and incompetent government Britain has seen for many a year nobody has hauled the socialists to task.

Even the poll ticker at the bottom of the Sky News screen reveals that overall the parties have barely moved from last week's position.

The volatility has increased marginally across the board but I still see signs of a correlation between the Tories and the Others (presumably UKIP) on the one hand and Labour and the Lib Dems on the other - add those two combinations together and suddenly the volatility drops dramatically.

Sky and presumably the other news channels are trying to talk up the first ever televised debate between the top three leaders, but quite frankly, unless Gordon throws a temper tantrum or Nick Clegg throws a punch at Cameron, I seriously doubt it will be anything but boredom squared and bear about as much substance as morning mist.

Indeed I'm inclined to believe Sir Christopher Bland, after he told Jeff Randall he thought the real winner was likely to be Peter Mandelson on the grounds he'd probably written the press release describing how Gordon's performance was a majestic before the debate began.

WELCOME AGAIN TO ANOTHER EDITION OF THE REMITTANCE MAN

2010-04-15T19:46:00.003+02:00

Before we continue, let us pay homage to one of God's better ideas:

Now on with the show.

OH WELL, TIME TO GO

2010-04-12T21:11:00.010+02:00

But, to prove that Great Granddad Remittance's trunk in the attic is a gift that keeps on giving we do have time for an offering of Monday Vintage Poppies. It's an eclectic selection this evening but I trust you will enjoy.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

ps Blogging will be light tomorrow evening; there's an Inter-denominational Theological Discussion Group meeting at the Mandela Arms.

A BIT LATE FOR THAT METHINKS

2010-04-12T21:09:00.000+02:00

According to Sky News Labour’s manifesto is making a huge thing about how the party will shake up public services and take action to sort out failing schools and hospitals. Leaving aside the comment that the document undoubtedly neglects to inform us exactly how this will be accomplished, there is one point that needs making:

This line has been used by NuLabour in every one of its manifestos since 1997. Logically, if they are still bandying it around once again, this implies they have failed to achieve what they set out to do in 1997, 2001 and 2005. So what the fuck makes them think we’re going to believe them this time?

FATUOUS COMMENTARY FROM THE BARCLAY BUGLE

2010-04-12T21:05:00.002+02:00

Contrary to my musings below it seems the MSM still has its head up its arse. Take this from Charles Moore for example. After bemoaning the lacklustre media coverage of the election campaign so far, Charles Moore asks:

Where is the hoped-for subversion of the agenda from the internet? There has so far been sadly little of what Andrew Marr, on his BBC show yesterday morning, said he wanted – "the echo of the streets".

But then he goes on to say:

But it was on a blog that I read the most interesting remarks of the campaign so far. The day after the election was announced, Tom Bradby, the political editor of ITV News ….

I seem to have been barred from adding comment to Telegraph columns (perhaps I have been deemed guilty of trying to subvert the agenda), so I couldn’t point out to Charles that if he confines his research to the blogs of media insiders he is pretty much guaranteed not to find any subversion of the media agenda.

In actual fact there’s plenty of subversive, off message discussion going on in Blogistan involving partisans from both sides of the divide, but if they’re too scared to stray outside the nice, safe confines of the MSM bubble, neither Charlie, nor any other Grownup, is going to find it.

HE! HE!

2010-04-12T21:01:00.000+02:00

From a comment by Old Holburn on Guido’s site we get this:

Three Muslim extremists charged after attack on Galloway

Apparently they called Gorgeous George a “filthy kaffir” and set about him while he was campaigning for his Respect Party.

Now, obviously, one cannot condone attacks on legitimate candidates standing in free and fair democratic elections; and I obviously have no sympathy for the Mohammedan fundies. That being said, it’s hard not to chuckle at the poetic irony of a bunch of Muzzies attacking a bloke who’s staked his whole political career on standing up for those same Muzzies. I do have to wonder whether the Warriors of God haven’t got it wrong though.

In my, admittedly limited, understanding of Islam I always thought a kaffir (in the non-African meaning of the word) was someone who didn’t believe in the one true God, ie pantheists and tree worshippers. I’m guessing George, being a Brit, would technically be a classed as Christian and hence an infidel which I believe isn’t quite as bad. Unless he’s declared himself an atheist of course, in which case he’d be an apostate which I think in the sharia scale of things would be even worse than being a kaffir. Still, I could be wrong.

Is there a Muslim scholar in the house?

BLOGGERS LEADING THE WAY?

2010-04-12T20:58:00.001+02:00

As early as last week bloggers (including YHC) were commenting (or rather shouting themselves hoarse) about how the huge fight between Cameron and Brown over ₤6 billion was nothing but a playground spat compared to the real problem – a deficit of ₤167 billion this year alone for which none of the parties were offering any decent solutions. So it was nice to see the Grownups catching up on Sunday.

In the Telegraph alone Christopher Booker, Janet Daley, Benedict Brogan and others called for the politicians to come clean about the scale of Britain’s debt and tell us what they propose to do about it. Similar sentiments were being aired on television. Hell! Even Nick Clegg alluded to it in his “threat of social unrest” comments – although I note he didn’t offer any solutions himself*.

The question is: “Will the politicians actually listen?” Personally I don’t hold out too much hope. I suspect both are too scared to tell the people what is in fact glaringly obvious: Whichever party wins office in May will have to take a chain saw to the budget.

Instead we all we get is Sarah Brown’s twatering, inane commentary about the significance of Sam Cam choosing M&S maternity wear over Boden and discussions about which biscuit the yummy mummies of Mumsnet are eating today.

Is it any wonder some polls are showing 35% of the electorate probably won’t vote?

*Something of a lapse from a leader who considers himself equal to the big boys, I would say.

DO NULABOUR REALLY WANT TO BOOST THE BNP?

2010-04-12T20:55:00.001+02:00

This may seem like a stupid question but when one considers the standard reaction whenever their fellow socialists are mentioned one really does have to wonder if that’s not the Labour Party plan. Take this weekend for example.

Sky have a reporter in Barking, the constituency where Margaret Hodge is battling what appears to be a serious challenge from Nick Griffin. Somehow this hack managed to get five of the candidates together for a short pavement debate* particularly on the big issue in Barking: Immigration and allocation of social housing.

As the sitting candidate Maggie got to go first and spouted a load of old bollox about she had been tireless in questioning NuLabour’s policies vis a vis letting every Tom, Dick and Achmed into the country for a life of free houses and benefits. Despite this being patent rubbish the other candidates at least showed her enough respect to allow La Hodge to finish uninterrupted.

The camera then turned to Griffo but before he could even utter a quick “Sieg Heil” Hodgie was shouting him down and calling him names. This continued for several minutes until Griffin finally managed to get out a single sentence before his time was up. The other candidates then made pretty anodyne (but uninterrupted) comments that seemed to show they’d pretty much conceded the campaign in Barking was a fight between the two socialists.

Now Maggie might think she scored some sort of victory by drowning out her principle rival but quite frankly all she did was show she has no respect for other candidates. Worse, she did Griffo a favour.

The BNP feeds on a sense of being the victim of bullying by the other parties, it’s the main leg of their campaign platform and Margaret Hodge just fuelled that perception. No wonder Griffin looked like the cat who’d cornered the cream market in the final shot.

*According to this article it seems the interview was held on the pavement because Hodge refused to set foot in the planned venue, The Cherry Tree, because it she thinks it’s a “BNP pub”. Strange that, I didn’t know the BNP ran a brewery – anyone know if they do a good bitter?

HELLO AGAIN

2010-04-12T20:48:00.003+02:00

I trust everyone had a splendid weekend. Well, it's a bit late, things to do around the place and all that, so let's not waste any more time.

First up a moment of silence, if you please:

Thank you. Now on with the show

TH-TH-TH-THAT'S ALL FOLKS

2010-04-09T18:37:00.008+02:00

'til the morrow I shall leave you with a quartet of ladies in lingerie, appropriately clad in red.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major

AND ONE FINAL LOOK AT THE GENERAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN

2010-04-09T18:35:00.000+02:00

If you were a politician trying to stress how good your party had been at dealing with crime would you think it a good idea to appear in front of the press with the mother of a girl murdered on your watch? I certainly wouldn’t, but Gordon seems to think it’s a brilliant plan.

From The Times

On the fourth day of campaigning, he will also stress Labour’s record on tackling crime, carrying out a visit with Linda Bowman, mother of the murdered teenage model Sally Anne Bowman.

One has to wonder whether the guy actually wants to win this election.

NEWS FROM THE HOME FRONT

2010-04-09T18:30:00.002+02:00

As you have all doubtless heard South Africa’s would be Fuhrer and noted equestrian, Eugene Terre’blanche, met his end last Saturday. For many and varied reasons, numerous people are linking this to the ongoing murderous attacks on farmers and assorted evil conspiracies, often attributed to ANC youth league leader Julius Malema.

Sadly for the various conspiracy nuts the truth appears a little more mundane if not sordid. From the evidence released so far it appears ET had been ripping off some of the labourers on his farm by not paying them. Naturally this caused his employees some distress. This reached boiling point on Saturday when two of them decided to confront him about the situation. Details of what then happened are unclear, but what is clear is Terre’blanche came second in the debate.

The AWB has vowed all sorts of “revenge” but normally I would take this with a pinch of salt. The various attempts by the white racist fringe to kick off a general uprising among the Afrikaaners since 1990 have all failed dismally. Sadly this does not mean things are all plain sailing: it only takes one fuckwit to do something stupid after all.

Against this we do have to note that the leaderships of both sides have so far managed to keep their more idiotic followers in check. Hell! Zuma even appears to have temporarily gagged Julius Malema, which must count as a miracle in itself.

Oops. No he hasn’t.

JOHANNESBURG - ANC Youth League (ANCYL) president Julius Malema has defied the ruling party by going against its instructions that all structures not say a word in public about Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging leader Eugene Terre’Blanche’s death.

Now the ANC leadership have called Malema in for what are reported as “urgent” discussions.

Speaking of Mr Malema he’s not been leading what one might call a carefree and untroubled existence himself. Overseas most people will have heard about the trouble he’s in vis a vis his choice of theme song and other examples of grandstanding but that’s not the half of it.

Ever since last year’s election there has been a lot of in-fighting within the ANC. Basically it revolves around the division of the spoils* amongst the various factions that supported Jacob Zuma in his bid for the presidency. A key feature of this squabbling has been the exposure of rivals for alleged corrupt practices and Julius has been very prominent in this. His favourite tactic is to demand something called a “lifestyle audit” of comrades deemed to be living too well.

Sadly for him this has proved a bit of a two-edged sword. No doubt assisted by ANC members keen to see him taken down a peg or two**, the media have wasted no time performing their own lifestyle audits on Mr Malema. So far they claim to have exposed quite a few examples of what they say are examples of Julius profiting from his connections. Naturally Malema has denied all this and claims he lives on a pittance and has beggared himself in the cause of the underprivileged.

Now, as I firm believer in the principle of “innocence until guilt is proven”, I have to take Mr Malema’s word on this, so I was more than a little surprised to see that today’s Sowetan leads with a story about Julius being under investigation by SARS. Apparently the taxman has ordered every municipality in the country to hand over any and all documentation regarding tenders awarded to Mr Malema’s various companies – including the ones he hasn’t registered with Companies House and the tax authorities.

UI wonder if the minister of finance might not have something against Comrade Julius?

*Lucrative contracts, control of budgets etc
**This includes members of the ANC Youth League in his home province of Limpopo. They are on record complaining that Julius’s companies have bagged too many of the local contracts, leaving them with no reward for all their hard work and loyalty.

THE ROOT OF ALL OUR PROBLEMS

2010-04-09T18:28:00.001+02:00

The Telegraph has an interesting article by Andrew Gilligan which I think identifies the root cause of many of the problems in today’s world and is especially relevant to the debate surrounding the upcoming election. Ostensibly he writes about the pernicious effect bureaucrats have had on the NHS and how they played a major role in the Baby P tragedy, but the sub-text is that the world is being driven to hell in a hand cart by the bean counters and paper shufflers.

It’s an article well worth your time reading and I commend it to you all; but today I would like to dissect some of the audience responses, in particular one by a chap named Richard C. He says:

Doctors are qualified in medicine, not business studies, therefore there's no reason why they should be able to run the NHS any better[than the bean counters].

At the most basic level this is true, but I’d like to point out something equally true:

Paper shufflers are qualified in the shuffling of paper, not medicine, therefore there’s no reason why they should be able to run the NHS any better[than the quacks]

What’s more, it is a lot easier to teach a medic or any other technical professional the rudiments of business administration than it is to teach a professional bureaucrat the basics of medicine or engineering. The results are less dangerous too, in my experience.

Technically qualified people are usually more ready to accept their limitations outside their sphere of professional expertise. This means they are much more likely to seek the assistance of professional bean counters when they need it. Conversely, I’ve yet to meet a bean counter who doesn’t think he’s a technical god just because he’s been shown how to wire a plug or open a packet of painkillers.

This is not to disparage the bean counters and paper shufflers (well, not any more than they deserve); they have their place in an organisation and serve a useful purpose*. The problem is a large number have forgotten what that place is and now think just because they have a BComm or an MBA they are the masters of the universe. Worse one of the key features of bureaucratic training is how to protect and expand the bureaucracy – once you let one in you can kiss good bye to the neighbourhood.

*Someone has to make sure there’s money in the tea kitty and loo paper in the bogs, after all.

NO! NO! NO! NO!

2010-04-09T18:24:00.000+02:00

The Conservatives would cut up to £2 billion from the public sector payroll, according to their key efficiency adviser, in a move which could lead to the loss of 40,000 jobs.

Don’t get me wrong here, the more useless mouths removed from the teat of the public purse the better in my book. What pisses me off is the fact the number is so low. Like the NI red herring I mention below this is developing into an argument about chicken feed. 40,000 heads and £2 billion saved won’t even be noticed.

Since 1997 NuLab have added somewhere between 6 and 800,000 leeches to the state payroll, and this year’s deficit is headed for £167 billion. So why is Dave only talking about giving 40,000 the chop to save 2 biggies? Why not 400,000? Then there’d be some savings we might actually be able to see without a microscope.

BUT NOW A BREAK FROM ALL THIS SERIOUSNESS….

2010-04-09T18:21:00.001+02:00

Despite all the domestic disruptions around here over the past few months you'll be pleased to hear Friday Night is still Bath Night at kwaRemittance.

Now back to the show.

CONSTITUTIONAL JIGGERY POKERY FROM THE SOCIALISTS

2010-04-09T18:19:00.000+02:00

I’ll bow to no one when it comes to thinking that after 13 years of NuLabour rondfokerei the constitutional arrangement in Britain needs a serious overhaul, so I was quite interested when I saw that on Thursday both the Tories and Labour presented some ideas about how to fix things. Sadly, as expected, the reality of what was on offer didn’t quite meet the expectations.

Let’s start with Labour’s efforts. Things didn’t look good from the start; I mean, how do you feel when you see Gordon Brown claiming his ideas are "the most comprehensive programme of constitutional reform for a century"? If, like me, you think the way democracy works in Britain is important, I imagine they sent a shiver down your spine. Anyway, let’s look at the specifics:

Gordon is promising to finally sort out the mess his predecessor made of the Lords by making the upper chamber entirely elected. I give this a cautious nod of approval but note that he mentions no safeguards to ensure the HoL is not filled with time serving placemen and apparatchiks. He doesn’t comment on whether an elected upper house would also be given back its powers to reject bills presented by the Commons.

Next he talks about changing the current constituency based electoral system to some sort of PR arrangement. This I oppose entirely, firstly because, in Britain, PR is the last resort of the politician who knows he’s going to lose. More importantly, while FPTP may not be ideal in the strictest democratic sense, perfect democracy isn’t the ultimate objective. As DK likes to remind us the objective is to establish a system that is the best at guaranteeing liberty. Any system that distances the elected from their voters, as PR does, cannot do that ergo it must be bad.

Next we are offered fixed term parliaments. Now there are good arguments for this and were the executive and legislature not so incestuously intertwined I’d support it. Sadly there is no separation of power and this presents problems: The biggest is the question of what happens when a government loses its majority in the House of Commons between elections? Do we get an interim election? Does the whole electoral schedule get reshuffled? Or does the executive try and stumble along without a majority?

Anyway. At least the above were offered with the promise of a referendum before they are imposed. A couple of other ideas Gordon has pulled from his bottom would be imposed by parliamentary fiat.

Firstly there’s the plan to lower the voting age to 16. Sorry Gordo, but that’s just insane. We don’t treat 16 year olds as adults in any other sphere of life, so why the fuck should they get to have a say in who governs the country. I can only presume that this is another brazen attempt to secure a left leaning block vote and thus perpetuate socialist power. Bad idea – fight it.

The final offering actually strikes me as nothing more than a desperate counter to something the Conservatives are proposing (see below). While I support giving the electorate the right to recall MPs for Gordon to offer it makes no sense given his simultaneous commitment to PR. If the country moves to a PR system, then constitutionally MPs cease to be the representatives of their constituents and become the serfs of the party leader. In other words he becomes the person responsible for disciplining them for bad behaviour. If, on the other hand, MPs remain the serfs of their voters and thus subject to possible recall, you cannot have a PR system.

All in all a rather pathetic effort based on a complete lack of understanding about how the British constitution works and motivated solely by partisan thinking. It fails to address either the real constitutional problems created largely by NuLabour or the biggest issue facing the nation: its relationship with the eu.

So I guess we can mark that as a fail.

AND CONSTITUTIONAL JIGGERY POKERY FROM THE TORIES

2010-04-09T18:18:00.000+02:00

About the only constitutional reform being proposed by the Tories is giving electors the right to recall their MP if he/she has been a bad boy and force him/her to face a by-election.

Now, normally I’d support this wholeheartedly; MPs work not for their party leaders but for the people of their constituency and it is those people should have the right to discipline their representative. Sadly the Tories’ proposals contain a few too many qualifications for my liking. The biggest is that a recall referendum may only be triggered once the House of Commons standards and privileges committee had found the MP guilty of misconduct.

I accept that any recall process should contain safeguards to prevent frivolous actions, but letting fellow MPs be the first of those hurdles is definitely not the way to go. The expenses scandal has shown that the dishonourable members in Westminster are only too eager to protect each other from censure. That alone should be evidence enough to show that they have no place deciding whether one of their fellows is dragged back to his/her constituency and forced to answer to the people who elected him for his/her misdeeds.

Other than that there is no mention of the eu and whether Brits will have a say in the continued relationship their country has with that misbegotten construct. So, much like the effort from Labour, I have to mark this a big fat fail.

THAT NI RISE THAT’S AGITATING EVERYONE

2010-04-09T18:13:00.003+02:00

The cause celebre of the election at the moment seems to be the argument as to whether raising NI contributions is a good thing or not. Cameron, the Tories and most of the British business community think it is unwise. Gordon Brown, on the other hand, is firm in his belief the increase is both prudent and the right thing to do.

Obviously I find all the bitch fighting and name calling this debate is generating quite entertaining and, while I also think a tax on jobs is quite the silliest idea since King Gustav the Numptie decided unicycling uhlans were the coming thing militarily speaking, one really has to ask: Is it worth all the hot air being expended?

₤6 billion is quite a lot of wonga in most people’s minds, but we are talking about government spending here and socialist government spending at that. With a projected deficit of ₤167 billion this year and total government borrowing heading for the trillion mark, six biggies is actually chump change. For those of you who like maths and numbers the NI the two parties are arguing about like children amounts to just 3.6% of the estimated deficit.

Given that the Treasury is basing its spending revenue and borrowing estimates on little more than thumbsucking, nobody’s likely to notice whether ₤6 bill is raised or not. It’s such a small amount (relatively speaking) it’ll get lost in the noise.

I can’t help thinking the two leaders have tacitly agreed to fight about an insignificance because it suits them to distract everyone from the real issue neither of them wants to address – the other ₤163.4 billion HMG is planning to waste this year, next year and all the years after that.

ELECTION COVERAGE AND POLLS

2010-04-09T18:12:00.000+02:00

Down here those interested in British news are limited to the interweb plus Sky and BBC World for their information. Since watching the Beeb for more than five minutes usually has me reaching for my Shotgun of Wrath and Nurse for my special smarties in the interests of domestic harmony I normally confine myself to the interweb and Sky and it is to the latter I wish to turn my attention today.

Since they don’t have separate home and world services Sky’s output tends to cover British news more extensively*. One feature of this is that there is now a constant rolling summary of the latest opinion polls at the bottom of the screen. Now this would be okay, except, annoyingly, it doesn’t give the full picture. “Why?” you may ask. Well, let me explain.

The categories shown are “Labour”, “Conservative”, “LibDem” and “Other” and the percentages always add up to 100%. This means Sky is leaving out two rather important pieces of information – the number of people who have yet to decide for whom they will vote and the number who have decided to vote for the candidate from the None of the Above Party.

I accept Sky has to present the news in a way that is understandable to Sun readers and other windowlickers but surely without these two bits of information any analysis of popular opinion is impossible.

One might be able to do without information on the “Don’t Knows” by using the reasonable assumption that they will ultimately behave much like the already decideds, but those who say “fuck ‘em all, I won’t vote for any of the corrupt bastards,” are a different kettle of fish. They also represent a large part of the electorate. Over the past thirty years turnouts have been falling and nowadays anything above 60% is considered “good”, but that means up to 40% of the population are opting out. That’s as big a share of the vote as parties need to get a working majority; to ignore it is just not good reporting.

*BBC World thinks its viewers around the globe are more interested in cats stuck up trees in Papua New Guinea than a British general election.

WELL HELLO AGAIN

2010-04-09T17:56:00.004+02:00

Yep, this is two days in a row now. Damn! I'm starting to sound like an AA member.

Anyway. Many thanks to those of you who welcomed me back so warmly and quickly, I was kind of wondering if I'd lost all my buddies but obviously not, so thanks again.

But that's enough of the Oscar acceptance speech stuff, let's get on with things. First, of course our daily homage to the female derriere:

Now, on with the show.

BUM!

2010-04-08T22:36:00.007+02:00

Would you believe it? Just as I get back into this blogging thing the bloody weather turns horrible. Since when have we had thunderstorms in April? Damn that global warming!

Oh well, I am back and mean to remain back, so this will be just a temporary break in transmission. In the mean time, I just have time to load some pictures of mooi aunties before Cedric has coniptions and blows a fuse.

'til tomorrow: Good night everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

ELECTION COVERAGE AND POLLS #2

2010-04-08T17:38:00.002+02:00

The above complaints about polls notwithstanding let’s look at the current opinion polls and see if we can’t deduce anything. According to Sky last night at about 8 o’clock the parties stood as follows:

The reporters are focusing on minor changes in the relative standings of the two main parties, with occasional references to the poor old LimpDums whenever they feel like injecting a moment of comedy. But is this correct? Obviously, since I’m asking the question, I don’t think so. To my mind what should attract attention are trends and volatility and if we look for those we find our eyes led elsewhere.

After such a short period of time it’s pointless looking for trends so let’s concentrate on what I call volatility – the degree to which a party’s share of the vote jumps around. When we look at Labour’s numbers we see they are pretty static. The standard deviation on their scores is 1.4 and the maximum and minimum swings are +2 and -1. In other words Labour’s score is boringly steady and probably made up almost entirely of tribal voters. Thanks to the YouGov poll the LibDem numbers are a little more active but still not very interesting; SD is 1.6 and the swings are +1 and -3.

The guys who do interest me are the Tories and the bunch called “Others”. Both exhibit much more activity with quite large swings either side of the average. If one ignores the ICM poll data, which appears slightly anomalous, there also appears to be a degree of a correlation between them; when the Tories are up the “Others” are down and vice versa.

Now my suspicions definitely aren’t proof, but, to my untutored eye (and acknowledging my own political leanings) I’m wondering if this isn’t an indication that the interesting fight is the one between the Tories and UKIP.

I don’t have the time to do the analysis but if I were a professional political analyst this would have my antennae twitching and I’d be exploring whether the correlation was genuine and, if it was, whether one factor was indeed the cause of the other.

SPEAKING OF THE ELECTION

2010-04-08T17:32:00.001+02:00

Since it is going to be a major feature of this site for the next few weeks, perhaps I should do something very few MSM commentators do - restate my own position.

By tradition and upbringing I am a Conservative. By inclination, however, I am very much of the libertarian, South Park school of conservatism that puts personal liberty ahead of all else, respects few institutions* and really just thinks life would be much better if people could just do their own thing without any interference from the state.

Contrary to what some might think, I do care about those less fortunate than myself, I just don’t think big government solutions are necessarily the way to help them. Indeed of all the things I dislike, big government and people who support it rank right up there with [redundancy alert] bent politicians and the French. Naturally this makes me implacably anti-eu. It also leaves me somewhat schyzofrenik (not to say dyslexic).

In its present guise, the party I would naturally support and which my head tells me offers the best chance of finally getting rid of the socialist scumbags reflects very few of my views. The party that does reflect most (but not all) of my beliefs sadly hasn’t got a snowball’s chance in hell of winning and indeed even its limited success may even ensure a socialist victory.

I can’t claim to have the answer to this conundrum nor can I claim that I’ve reached some sort of Zen-like state of harmony. All I can do is warn everyone that depending on my mood, the morning news and the day’s whisky to special smartie ratio I might write approvingly of the Tories and/or UKIP or I might harangue them like a fishwife. The only thing I can promise is that I will never write nice things about Gordon Brown or his socialist acolytes.

So, if you can put up with the apparent craziness, bad spelling and atrocious punctuation and you have no objection to totty pics, hang on**. It’s going to be a fun ride, if a little bumpy.

*The Monarchy, the Armed Forces, the RNLI, the chaps from Top Gear and a couple of others being the exceptions and I’ll even take the piss out of them from time to time.
**If you can’t or they do, feel free to fuck off. Full refunds will be available on your way out.

I’M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!

2010-04-08T17:18:00.004+02:00

Kill the fatted calf, deck the halls with bows of holly, whatever, but yes I’m back.

My apologies for my prolonged and unexplained absence, I guess some sort of explanation is necessary. Contrary to what many may have feared it did not involve disabling injury, debilitating illness or even gaol time. To put it simply, last August, the normally dull routine of kwaRemittance was turned upside down by the sudden, although not entirely unexpected, resignation of Nurse.

I shan’t detail the depths of confusion this caused those of us left here for that would sound self-pitying*. Nor shall I try and defend myself against the numerous charges laid at my door - a gentleman should never have to apologise for his drinking, his eye for pretty ladies or the fact the idiots on the television news frequently provoke him into righteous fits of anger that result in the expenditure of prodigious quantities of ammunition at the moon.

I am pleased to say though that after a couple of slight hiccups** a new Nurse has finally been signed on and life at kwaRemittance has returned to normal - well, as close to normal as it can ever get when yours truly is anywhere in the vicinity. Whatever. One of the last loose ends that needed picking up was my return to Blogistan. The start of the election campaign that hopefully will see the scourge that is NuLabour banished from the face of the earth struck me as a good time to return to the fray so here I am.

I can’t promise I will post as prodigiously as I once did (I've learned that lesson and am resolved to pay a little more attention to New Nurse), but I shall endeavour to provide something approaching what went before.

So on that note, let us commence with a multi bum salute,

and then get on with the show.

*Let’s just say self-administering special smarties is a skill that takes a long while to get right.
**Note to self: On serious matters like this, do not ignore the advice of the ad hoc selection committee (Mzi’s mum and Mrs Cow Farmer). Long legs, big numbies and an imaginative approach to boudoir gymnastics are NOT the only qualifications necessary for a good Nurse.

OH WELL. GOTTA GO

2009-08-06T17:59:00.007+02:00

There's a beer garden full of drunks to be served and separated from their cash. But before I do depart on my mission of mercy, how about some more mooi aunties?

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

ID CARDS BUSTED

2009-08-06T17:57:00.002+02:00

Today’s Mail has an interesting article on how staffers managed to hack into the RFID chip on one of HMG’s new “totally secure” ID cards. Using the servies of a couple of hackers and off the shelf technology the paper was able to change all sorts of information on a genuine card, including whether the holder was entitled to state benefits.

Apparently it’s frighteningly easy.

The team also cloned the ID card, transferring the data onto a second blank example, thereby creating a duplicate.

Yet despite being informed of all this the Home Office has expressed no intention of cancelling the scheme. Well, why would it? The government’s not bothered about your personal security or even benefits fraud. It’s not even that concerned about the criminal minority, whatever it may say in public. It just wants to be able to track, tax and chastise the law abiding majority.

DISGRACEFUL BEHAVIOUR

2009-08-06T17:57:00.001+02:00

Soldiers attending funeral of Afghanistan hero banned from bar 'because of their military uniform'

Personally I think this is a disgraceful way to treat military personnel regardless of the circumstances but I don’t echo the sentiment that some will express that such policies should be banned. The bar in question, Phatz in Maidenhead, is a private business and as such the owners have every right to grant or deny entry to whomsoever they please.

Instead, I would highlight the fact that every body else has the right to deny Phatz of Maidenhead their business. Equally I would highlight the fact that as a private individual I have every right to express my personal view that the management of Phatz of Maidenhead are a cunch of bunts unworthy of our custom or respect.

Naturally, others are perfectly free to think or act as they see appropriate.

RECREATIONAL GRIEVING

2009-08-06T17:51:00.003+02:00

IT’S NOT JUST FOR PRINCESSES

Angling world in mourning for Benson the celebrity carp.

Never mind, apparently she (yes, Benson is a girl’s name, at least amongst the angling fraternity) will be ceremonially mounted and doubtless millions of grieving anglers will pile a mountain of flowers and teddybears beneath her stuffed carcass.

All we need now is some shifty gyppo grocer proclaiming it's all the fault of Prince Phillip, MI5 and the Townswomen's Guild of Walmington-on-Sea and for Gordon to pop up on the telly to drone on about the People’s Perch, then the blub fest will be complete.

BREAKING NEWS

Both Liverpool and Everton Football Clubs have announced that their matches this weekend will be preceded by a two minute silnce for Benson.

THAT’S NICE

2009-08-06T17:50:00.000+02:00

Pakistan is expected to outlaw domestic violence and jail offenders under new legislation that represents a dramatic breakthrough for women's rights in the country.

Of course, just passing a law won’t stop women and children being abused, police and prosecutors actually have to go out and investigate and bring malefactors to court*. Whether this happens will depend upon the effectiveness of the Pakistani government in actually exercising its authority.

Still, it is nice to see the Pakistanis catching up with the civilised world.

*Something legislators in many countries, including Britain, appear to forget with monotonous regularity.

MMMMMMMM. MOOI AUNTIES IN BIKINIS

2009-08-06T17:46:00.003+02:00

Brought to you courtesy of the Daily Mail.

First we have 34-year old Natasha Henstridge in a rather becoming brown string number.

Then we have Cindy Crawford. 43 and still going hot.

And finally Kate Moss and chums enjoying the sun.

Mooiness personified, methinks.

I DON’T THINK THEY’RE BIRDWATCHERS

2009-08-06T17:43:00.001+02:00

According to The Telegraph:

Birdwatchers are 'having sex in hides'

Apparently birdwatchers in Lincolnshsire have been told to report unsuitable behaviour to the police after reports of visitors having sexual intercourse in their hides. All this because one chap reported hearing “sexual sounds” coming from a hide one evening.

Well, I suppose we should be happy for the people of Lincolnshire that the local crime rate is so low that Plod can devote so much attention to this anti-social behaviour, but it does beg one question:

If you’re out for a stroll round your local beauty spot with your better half and the “urge” comes upon you. If you can’t nip into the nearest birdwatching hide for a quickie, where can you bonk?

BTW. The article goes on to list other forms of anti-social behaviour plaguing Lincolnshire's nature reserves. These include cycling, horse riding and setting fire to the grass.

Huh?

Okay, arson is pretty anti social, I think we can all agree on that;. And cyclists on the roads are a lycra clad menace; but out in the countryside away from other road users? Surely that is the ideal place for them. And what have these people got against horse riding for heaven’s sakes? What’s the worst a horse can do to the environment? Leave a few piles of what’s good for the roses lying around?

It may not be 100% pleasant, but I’d much prefer to accidentally step in a pile of horse poo than the foulness doggies leave behind.

Honestly! One really does have to wonder at the mentality of some people.

A SAD LOSS TO MUSIC

2009-08-06T17:42:00.000+02:00

Renato Pagliari, the male half of 1980s singing duo Renee and Renato, who also sang on the Cornetto adverts, has died.

I do hope everyone gets to sing along at his funeral.

All together now:

Justa one Cornetto,
geeve eet to meeeeeee,
delicious ice-cream,
of Italeeeeeeeee.
Vanilla and strawberry dreeeam,
Geeeeeeve meeeeeee Cornetto,
from Wall’s ice creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam!

WHAT DID I PREDICT?

2009-08-06T17:40:00.000+02:00

By simply phoning the NHS swine flu hot line or visiting its website, unscrupulous workers can get themselves a course of antiviral medicine and do not need a sick note from their GP for the first seven days’ absence.

In its panic to deal with a problem it blew out of all proportion the government has managed to create a self-fulfilling prophesy. Not only that it’s destroyed any chance of meaningfully assessing the real effects of the virus and given the economy a kick in the teeth it really doesn’t need at this time.

When the history of this outbreak comes to be written I suspect that HMG’s management of the whole issue will be highlighted as a classic example of how not to do it. As an example of the ability this crowd has to fuck things up I doubt there have been many more obvious*.

Even worse:

The Government is considering doubling this period [of self-off-booking] to a fortnight.

I must admit that I thought this change had already been pushed tyhrough, but in the light of the above news one would think that such a change would be somewhat ill-considered. So who’s willing to bet that the fuckwits in Whitehall don’t introduce the idea?

Meanwhile it is reported that stocks of the liquid form of Tamiflu, designed for babies, are running low because adults are demanding it because “they don’t like swallowing capsules”.

FFS! There’s a simple remedy to this: Tell anyone capable of popping the pills to either take the capsules or suffer the full effects the flu. If they still refuse the capsules, let the stupid sods suffer, it’s highly unlikely they will die, but they might learn a useful lesson.

*Then again, after twelve years of Labour misgovernment, there have been so many examples of poor crisis management it would be hard to find many much worse either.

OUCH

2009-08-06T17:34:00.007+02:00

Via the chaps at ARRSE, here’s a salutary tale from across the pond.

A married man who planned a motel tryst with one of his several lovers was instead ambushed by four women including his wife.

Having lured him to a motel, the women tied him to the bed, beat him up and superglued his todger to his stomach. They then ran off with his car, wallet and cellphone.

At first reading I was vaguely impressed – I mean, four women on the go simultaneously, that’s impressive. But then I checked the photos.

Nope, sorry racking up a score by such base means would not qualify someone for membership of the Royal Society of Gentlemen Philanderers. Besides, he apparently took money from the women as well – that’s just caddish.

MORE STATE ARROGANCE

2009-08-06T17:27:00.000+02:00

The new National Police Commissioner (yes, Jackie Selebi, friend of gangsters and drug barons, has finally been replaced) appeared before parliament yesterday. In his presentation he undertook to reduce crime by large measures, throwing out specific targets for reductions in the rate s of various categories of crimes.

Now this may all sound wonderful and decisive and just what the South African public wants to hear. But then came the picanin flymashin in the muti: Both the new Commish and his boss, the Minister for Safety and Security, refused to change the system whereby crime stats are only released once a year and twelve months late.

Naturally the opposition queried this, but the apparatchiki were adamant – no chage in releasing the crime stats to the public will be made. When asked why, the Minister gave one of the most unbelievable excuses that has probably been heard in the Cape Town parliament. Apparently releasing the crime stats more frequently and timeously “would assist the criminals”.

WTF?

How in the name of all that is holy is knowing that burglaries in Groot Dorp have declined over the past few months going to assist Fingers Matwetwe?

Most people suspect that the true reason the authorities refuse to release the stats is because they are scared of actually being held to account by the public for their dismal failures. They think they can get away with this because they are “the state”. Sadly, they probably will get away with it because the vast majority of the people in this country blindly vote for the ANC giving it a sufficiently large majority that it can railroad any decision it likes through parliament without scrutiny.

The sooner people down here learn that whatever fond memories they have of the ANC, it is a political party that serves the people. As do the SAP. Those organisations are answerable to the electorate and the electorate needs facts so that it can judge whether the government it chose to do its bidding is actually keeping to its promises.

HELLO AGAIN

2009-08-06T17:24:00.004+02:00

Just a quickie tonight as I have been asked to help a bunch of drunks get plastered; all in the interests of charity, you understand. So, without further ado, tonight's pretty lady and her delightful derriere.

Now, on with the show.

NOW TO REDRESS THE BALANCE

2009-08-05T20:28:00.004+02:00

How men fantasise about the housework.

Goodnight everyone. Carry on Risaldar-Major.

HOUSEWORK MAKES BRITISH MEN MORE ATTRACTIVE

2009-08-05T19:35:00.002+02:00

At least that’s how the Telegraph interprets some recently published research. But before you all run and grab a feather duster in the hope of some rampant appreciation from the ladies in your lives I should warn you the results might not be as spectacular as you hope.

I’m sure many ladies fantasise about having the housework done by some muscle bound hunk clad only in a posing pouch*, but the reality of this research is a little more mundane. According to the scientists British men are more likely to help out with the housework than many of their foreign brethren. And this, apparently, makes British women more likely to get hitched than their German or Australian sisters.

Still, we can always hold onto the dream that clearing out the garage might lead to a bit more than a grateful smile and a cup of tea.

*And, yes, this is blatant pandering to female tastes. I’m trying to appeal to a broader demographic – so sue me.

OKAY BUT WHAT’S ANYONE GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

2009-08-05T19:28:00.003+02:00

In a strange example of agreement Israel, the UN and Hezbollah all agree that the latter organisation is stockpiling rockets and other weapons in Southern Lebanon. Assuming that all three parties aren’t completely wrong, I think we can take this as fact.

This is all fine and dandy, but it contravenes assorted peace agreements and directly threatens Israeli civilians, so what the fuck is anyone going to do about it? Hezbollah sure as hell won’t give those weapons up voluntarily, so it’s either the “international community” which has to enforce its own peace agreements. Or, at some point, the Red Sea Pedestrians are going to get fed up playing Aunt Sally yet again and go charging into South Lebananon like Genghis and his hordes.

Now personally, I wouldn’t blame them. They take shit from all sides and patiently wait for the UN and all the other hand wringers to do “something” until finally they realise that for all their fine words the international community is nothing but a joke. They then decide only they can sort out the problem and immediately become the target of blame from the same international community that claims to be there for Israel’s protection.

We’ve been here and gone through all this several times, you’d have thought that if the international community was so against the Israelis taking matters into their own hands they’d actually do something this time.

Not that I’m going to be holding my breath. My bet is on some serious stomping of goat herds going down in Lebanon sometime in the late autumn. About two minutes later I predict the "international community" will be up in arms about Israeli aggression.

DEAR LORD, PRESERVE US FROM THIS WOMAN

2009-08-05T19:25:00.002+02:00

Labour’s deputy leader [Harriet Harman] used her position as Gordon Brown’s stand-in to demand a more radical overhaul of the law, such as targets for prosecutors and police to secure more convictions.

FFS! This woman is supposed to be a bloody lawyer, yet from this it’s pretty clear she’s got about as much understanding of the legal system as a bloody mollusc.

In no way am I trying to defend rapists but this is not the way to go about solving the problem. I mean, targets, for God’s sake? That would mean prosecutors having their renumeration and career prospects determined according to arbitrary targets set by some evangelical harpie with an agenda and the firm belief that all men are rapists.

That’s a really sound basis for a legal system – Not!

I know that securing prosecutions for rape is hard. The problem is that even when there is evidence of sexual contact, quite often the whole thing comes down to a She said “yes”, I said “no”, argument. At this point juries are effectively asked to decide which party they think is telling the truth while bearing in mind that they must be absolutely sure if they say they think the accused is guilty.

What’s more, juries know that to brand a man a rapist is actually worse than branding him a murderer. God forbid that I should be either, but if I had to choose, I know I would prefer to have to explain a stint inside on the grounds I’d killed someone*. Sex offenders don’t have an easy time in jail and even when released spend the rest of their lives on the Sex Offender register.

Whether this is justified or even right I leave for another discussion, but the basic fact is that once convicted, a rapist’s life is completely ruined. For ever. That’s why juries often appear reluctant to convict for rape – they are unless the evidence is incontrovertible because the consequences of that conviction are pretty severe.

So what the fuck is a legal review going to suggest? Abandoning the presumption of innocence? Because beyond getting the cops and the CPS to do their jobs better** that’s about the only thing I can think anyone can change.

So is Hattie the Harpie proposing that Britain overturns a millennium of legal principle? Because if she is, you’d think she’d at least have the courage to stand up and say so to our faces rather than engage in all this bollocks about overhauling the legal system.

*If for no other reason than there can be mitigating factors in a murder case – there are none as far as rape is concerned.
**Something that is outside the scope of any overhaul of the law, I would have thought, and more difficult to achieve. Which probably explains why Hattie is so determined to be seen “doing something” by trashing the basic principles of English law.

JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED

2009-08-05T19:23:00.000+02:00

A comedy series based around the lives of would be suicide bombers in Yorkshire is to be broadcast on YouTube later this month. The five part series will focus on the lives of a group of hapless would be suicide bombers who find themselves torn between the heavenly rewards of martyrdom and the rather more earthly temptations of the local pub and a lady refered to as Ample Abi.

If this genuinely takes the piss out of the muzzie fuckwits, I’m all for it, but sadly some others do not. And it’s not the usual suspects this time.

Veronica Cassidy, whose son Ciaran, 22, died in the London Tube bombings, told The Sun: "Who is going to find this funny? I won't be watching it."

Now, I am sure Mrs Cassidy is still very distressed by the loss of her son, and far be it for me to criticise her for that, but looking at the broader picture, might this not be a good thing?

Firstly, one of the best antidotes to fear and uncertainty is humour, so as HMG does its best to turn us all into nervous wrecks this could be a useful antidote. Secondly, humour is a very good weapon for deflating the egos and standing of pompous pricks and those who take themselves way too seriously. I would suggest that this latter charge fits our muzzie fundie chums to a tee. Finally it might actually create some doubt in the minds of impressionable young Muslim chaps. This might especially be the case since the series has been created by a British Muslim with advice from “a senor member of the Muslim Council”.

As always the proof of the pudding will be in the eating, but while I understand and sympathise with Mrs Cassidy’s personal reasons for not thinking this might be funny, I think it could be quite a good thing indeed.

More effective than filling the car park at Heathrow with tanks, anyway.

TOUGH LOVE CHINESE STYLE

2009-08-05T19:22:00.000+02:00

A 16-year-old Chinese boy has allegedly been beaten to death by managers at a rehabilitation centre for internet addiction.

Well, I guess he won’t be spending so much time on the Interweb in future; though it does strike me as a rather extreme way to get the little bugger to join the family for supper.

OH FOR FUSK’S CAKES

2009-08-05T19:19:00.002+02:00

A poster depicting President Barack Obama as Heath Ledger's "Joker" character from "The Dark Knight" has sparked controversy after it appeared on the streets of Los Angeles.

The poster which depicts the Obamessiah as The Joker has been decried by the usual suspects as “racist”.

Yeah and my name is Al Jolson.

Look, sorry chaps, I can’t agree with this. I don’t doubt there are some fuckwits out there who spend their every waking hour calling Obama all sorts of nasty racist names, but I just can’t see any of that here. I mean, by your logic The Blessed Heath Ledger should also be condemned as a racist. Didn’t he portray the ultimate evil baddie, wearing the same “reverse blackface” (whiteface?) mask? By the line of thinking being followed that would be a subliminal message that all überbaddies are black and/or all black people are überbaddies?

Are you condemning Mr Ledger? Thought not.

Sadly the illogical thought continues:

"Depicting the president as demonic and a socialist goes beyond political spoofery. It is mean-spirited and dangerous.
"We have issued a public challenge to the person or group that put up the poster to come forth and publicly tell why they have used this offensive depiction to ridicule President Obama."

FFS! Whatever one’s thoughts re the last POTUS, one does have to admit that some of the slurs cast in his direction were pretty nasty. To give just one example, I seems to remember George Bush being compared Hitler by his opponents on the left at various times. If likening one President to a real nasty bastard was legitimate spoofery back then, surely comparing his successor to a fictional one (a white, fictional one at that) must also be legitimate.

If you ask me what we are seeing here is the confluence of two, very bad, streams of thought. On the one hand you have the professional anti-racists who see the election of a (partially) black president as the way to greater influence, power and income. On the other you have the more general lefties who are using the fact that the newly elected president is (partially) black to justify their normal tendency to counter legitimate debate with ad hominem attacks.

If this is going to be the course of political debate in the US for the next few years, then, my American chums, I’m sorry, but I think you are in for a whole load of shit.

BTW. Since someone could claim that these are just the ramblings of an institutionally racist white colonialist, I showed the offending picture to two colleagues. Given their ages and backgrounds, I would guess they have experienced more real racial prejudice than all the entire class of professional outrage merchants in the US. Strangely, neither of them saw anything “racist” in the picture. Then again, they are both intelligent, educated engineers not members of the Mau-mau Mafia.

BIASED TELEGRAPH?

2009-08-05T19:17:00.001+02:00

We’re all used to charges that the BBC has a distinct port-side list, but to see it happening at the Telegraph is a bit stranger. Take their coverage of a couple of Television scandals in yesterday’s issue.

First we have the news that Jeremy Clarkson “has upset viewers” by making jokes about the Germans invading Poland. This merits a feature on the main news pages despite the fact that the comments have so far only generated complaints from a few people and OFCOM has yet to even investigate.

Then we have the news that George Galloway’s coverage of the Israeli incursion of Gaza last year has been slammed by OFCOM for being one-sided, extreme and generally propaganda for terrorists. For better or worse, Mr Galloway is an MP and supposedly a responsible person. This news gets tucked away on the same page as the television schedules.

Could it be the editors at the Barclay Bugle have got their priorities wrong. Or maybe they took exception to Clarkson calling Gordon Brown the same rude name that nearly everyone else in Britain uses for the PM?

DATABASES ARE TOTALLY RELIABLE ARE THEY?

2009-08-05T19:16:00.000+02:00

So what are we to make of this news:

More than 1,500 people have been wrongly branded as criminals or mistakenly given a clean record by the government agency set up to vet those working with children.

That’s only for last year.

Naturally the government has an ~~excuse~~ answer. According to a Home Office spokesperson:

“Disclosure quality and accuracy is heavily reliant on the information supplied by the individual and is subject to fluctuations.”

Yep! That’s right. It’s all the fault of the silly public and their inability to fill in the forms correctly.

Well, Mr Spokesman, assuming that the bulk of the people requesting their “I’m not a kiddie fiddler” certificates are of moderate intelligence*, how do you think the National Database is going to manage when it has to deal with the general public as a whole. Including the large number, who, let’s be honest here, can’t tie their shoelaces without help. It’s all very well blaming the public for the cockups, but a cruel reality of government is that it has to deal with the population it has, not the one it would like to have.

One would really hope that systems took this into account, but, given the performance of the CRB and the pathetic excuses being made, I don’t hold much expectation of a flawless roll out.

Actually I rather think it would save a lot of embarrassment and be better all round to scrap the whole idea right now.

*They are presumably requesting their clearances so they can work as teachers and caregivers after all.

WELL FOR ONCE I’M WAY ABOVE AVERAGE

2009-08-05T19:14:00.001+02:00

Men spend almost a year of their lives ogling women, a survey claimed.

The average man will spend almost 43 minutes a day staring at 10 different women.
That adds up to 259 hours - almost 11 days - each year, making a total 11 months and 11 days between the ages of 18 and 50.

Okay it’s a completely useless fact and rather pointless survey, but it’s pleasing to know that I’m ahead of the curve on this one.

I am slightly worried about that 50 year cut off though. I’m sure that many men over fifty also like to look at pretty ladies. Indeed as their physical … erherm … prowess? ... declines, surely indulging in a little bit of innocent totty watching becomes even more pleasurable. I certainly hope so* anyway. I mean, what’s the point of living into your dotage if you can’t build a reputation as a horny old goat?

*Though I’m also hoping my … erherm … prowess … doesn’t vanish on the morning of my fiftieth birthday. I've still got a lot of leeeeeerrrrrrve inside, if you know what I mean.

BETTER THAN CROP CIRCLES

2009-08-05T19:09:00.003+02:00

A group of farmers have created these extraordinary 'murals' by planting rice in different colours in Japanese paddy fields.

Very pretty.

OH SHIT – MORE DEFENCE CUTS ARE ON THE WAY

2009-08-05T19:05:00.000+02:00

The Armed Forces face "deep and wide-ranging changes" to meet the demands of irregular warfare in campaigns like Afghanistan, minister Bill Rammell has said.
The Armed Forces Minister said the forthcoming defence review would see a need to "rebalance" resources within the military.

Now, I don’t necessarily disagree with the words, at least not as they would be understood by a normal speaker of the Queen’s English, but these words tripped from the lips of a minister of the crown. A socialist minister of the crown at that.

When speaking of matters related to national defence creatures of that ilk mean only one thing when they use phrases like “deep and wide-ranging changes” and words like “rebalancing” – cuts.

Expect the forthcoming defence review to propose slashing troop numbers, axing new equipment and a slowing of programmes designed to improve the lot of servicemen and their families.